We’ve all been there…
It’s Wednesday afternoon, you’re on the second pot of coffee and desperately trying to forget the Friday deadline for the first draft of your new aquatic masterpiece…
And still the page remains empty.
It would help, of course, if the two children next door would stop playing their noisy, incoherent kid games in the garden. I mean, really, who can be expected to concentrate when all you can hear is:
KID 1: ‘No way man! There’s no way a shark is flying out of the water and eating the PLANE!’
KID 2: ‘But my toy plane got eaten by the dog… All I have is the shark…’
KID 1: ‘And look how big it is anyway… That’d have to be a tiny plane for the shark to jump up and eat it…’
KID 2: ‘Or maybe it’s like… A MEGA shark! Then it could jump real high and eat anything… Like, imagine… It shoots out’ve the water and grabs the plane right out’ve the air!’
KID 1: ‘You’re an idiot… This is the stupedist game ever!’
You take a swig of coffee and smile faintly… A shark leaping out of the water and eating a plane… A PLANE! What a ridiculous ide-
Hold on a minute… That’s not too bad.
Of course, Kid 2 is right… It would have to be some kind of MEGA shark. A relic, frozen in ice… Unleashed somehow to terrorise the World! Hmm… What could release him?
Global warming? Done…
Earthquake? Done…
Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson in a tiny CGI submarine dodging a pod of whales who are freaking out because of a top secret government sonar experiment? Hmm… Maybe… Just maybe…
The whales could crash into an iceberg where this beast has been frozen for millions of years… Then, Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson could think she sees a giant shark swim away… Because, you know, being a MEGA shark it doesn’t need time to thaw out or get its bearings. No sir, before you can say ‘Electric Youth!’ it’s full steam ahead for terror as that MEGA shark makes for the nearest passenger jet…
Juicy stuff…
But… Hold on now… Who are we kidding here? A film cannot thrive on a plane eating giant shark and Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson alone. That’s crazy… And besides, what about the film YOU, THE ARTIST imagined… Remember? The tender love story of two marine scientists, an American woman and a Japanese man, whose love defies cultural stereotypes and travels the ocean just like the GIANT OIL RIG EATING OCTOPUS they are trying to ensnare.
Wait…
What if there were some way to fuse these ideas together… What if the two beasts were frozen TOGETHER? Locked in combat… Waiting… Just waiting for Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson and her freaked out whales to release them…
Oh yeah, that works… Then you can lend the whole thing gravitas by imagining that they are destined to be together just like your marine biologist leads… Oh man, this is GOLD!
And so Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus is born… Really, it writes itself… You are simply the conduit through which this epic must pass. Can’t work out why two giant sea creatures would ever come close enough to shore to menace people… Lure them in with pheromones! You know, in a bid to capture them… Obviously. Then the Mega Shark can eat the Golden Gate Bridge! Sweet… Can’t work out why we don’t just blow them to hell? Simple… They’re wiley. And bullet proof. Duh! Can’t work out how Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson might defeat these beasts? Easy… Get them together and let them fight one another to the (conveniently mutual) death… Viola!
Hell… Any holes in the script will be masked by top notch effects work and quality acting, right?
Right..?
Ladies and Gentleman, I give to you… Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus!
Is it too soon to whisper Oscar?
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