It's Nothing Like Jaws...

If, like me, you’ve been wondering what exactly to do with that unconvincing but lovingly crafted Great White Shark puppet you decided to make in your parents basement for no particular reason, then let me point you in the direction of this industrious effort made by some fine people who assure me that they’ve never even heard of a film called Jaws. However, in some parts of the world (really stupid parts... Hoxton, for example) this epic movie IS often named 'Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws' which leads me to suspect that there is some monkey business afoot with their claims of blockbusting shark movie ignorance. Besides, if you want to fool anyone into mistaking this for the fifth installment of the Jaws franchise then call it 'JAW5'. Surely, this alpha-numeric punning would be the only reason to return to the dry, dry barrel of the once mighty shark franchise.

Look at it again...

JAW5

Tempting, isn't it..? Can you really tell me with a straight face that this title doesn't make you want to bankroll a CGI heavy shark movie, loosely based on the first Jaws and filmed (very possibly) in 3D? The new, fangled kind that works in the cinema but not at home? Then you can tell everyone it's a 'reboot' rather than a straight sequel or (God forbid) a remake.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Anyway, let's take a look at what can be done with a basement made Great White Shark puppet and some 'original' story ideas...

Young girl swimming at night gets viciously attacked by what later turns out to be a shark… No one listens to warnings... Mayor won’t cancel forthcoming regatta… Shark rampages… Little girl in WHEELCHAIR ends up in water (THE HUMANITY!)… Ill prepared group of folk go out to kill the beast on a worryingly small boat...

Yeah... Check, check and, indeed, check.

You say: ‘So far, so RIP OFF!’

I say: ‘So far, so AWESOME!’ It could only really be any better if they’d claimed to have made this in 1995 but shot it entirely to resemble the early 80’s (genius) and then cast someone who randomly looks like Hulk Hogan to fight the aquatic demon. Only then would this become the greatest film eve… WAIT A MINUTE!

I love this film… It is truely an excellent example of to do with previously unwanted Great White Shark hand puppets and, even though I’ve never actually seen it, I feel like I’ve enjoyed it a hundred times already (or however many times I've actually seen Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3D and Jaws The Revenge).

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Cruel Jaws!

It’s nothing like Jaws.