Finnish As We Mean To Go On

Any one of my extremely limited number of friends will tell you that I thoroughly enjoy a jolly movie where kids get hurt, maimed and perhaps even killed (depending entirely, of course, on how vile the child in question may be).

Now, this isn't a reflection on me as a real world individual... I'm no huge fan of children (they're loud, get underfoot, you can't smoke or swear around them, they tend to head butt you in the testicles when they hug you and, as a rule, they're very poor conversationalists) but I wouldn't wish actual harm on anyone whose main point of reference for the world was Sesame Street.

No, this nascent desire to see harm inflicted on kids is more of a reflection on me as a film viewer...

In explaining this, I could take the time to go as far back as Charles Laughton's fantastic adaptation of Night Of The Hunter but I came to that later in life as I was a child of the seventies and through that decade (and the eighties that followed) films were a dangerous place to be if you were a kid. Cinema parents were forever distracted or drunk and mean, the world was out to get you, monsters would eat you, villains (and sharks) would kill you... There was literally no respite from the many dangers of the world and you were responsible for your own welfare (and even hiding under the duvet couldn't protect you). Like their real world counterparts, children would smoke, swear, fight, talk about sex and have a working understanding of the dangers of the world around them. They were inventive, bold and even if they weren't the most aesthetically pleasing specimens on the planet they still had the wits about them to save it if they had to.

There is a good reason that films like Explorers, The Goonies, Troll, Flight Of The Navigator, The Monster Squad, Gremlins, The Gate and all of the other movies of that era that get name checked incessantly are remembered so fondly. They were solid, entertaining narratives aimed (predominantly) at children that managed to reflect more of the real world in their fantasy story lines than the 90210 post code could manage in how ever many seasons (and reiterations). The fantasy here was danger and adventure not wealth and popularity. The heros were almost always the outcasts, middle income at best and desperate for escape from the mundanity of their lives, not Tweeting about what they had for breakfast or parading their newest designer bag to the cinema to see Twilight.

Films made for an adult audience (that irresponsible parents would let you watch on TV or Video) didn't treat kids any better... It didn't matter that the Chief of Police was sitting on the beach in Jaws, you could still be eaten by a shark right in front of him. Both parents could be in the house in Poltergeist and the television (or a tree) could still swallow you, even though you'd tried to warn them that this was going to happen. You could even be eaten by a giant Alligator in your own back yard (a scene that inexplicably traumatised me for life when I saw it as a five year old but gave me a healthy respect for swimming pools and nature that has lasted long into adulthood and has, thus far, prevented me from drowning or losing a limb to a hungry, oversized creature).

These were kids, like you and me... If they could find a treasure map in their attic or a spaceship in their back garden, why couldn't you? If they could get bloodied, bruised and perhaps even killed, why couldn't you? If they could find happiness without being the Prom Queen or depending on a romantic partner to be a whole human being, why couldn't you?

These aren't all perfect films by any means (some of them aren't actually very good at all if you stop to examine them in any critical sense). I imagine they occupy such a warm corner in the memory of many an aging film nerd because they held up a mirror to the world we lived in and, even when what was reflected back wasn't safe or pretty, it was exciting, scary and, most importantly, fun.

In this current era of film making, narratives purportedly aimed at children are more geared towards their parents desire to believe that the world is a safe place for their kids, where no harm will ever befall their precious prince or princess and none of the corruptions of adult life will ever find their way into their dull, anodyne lives. Even children's films that masquerade as being 'creepy' or 'dark' (like Tim Burton's perennial Hot Topic funder The Nightmare Before Christmas) are so far removed from reality and so comprehensively ingrained into our consumer society as to be essentially meaningless outside of the boundaries of their own narratives.

Modern movies seem to exist solely for the hour and a half of their run time and then cease to have any meaning at all let alone offer any insight into the workings of the world. The physical result of this prevailing attitude is that kids quickly evolve into revolting, entitled little consumers with no concept of the real world or the consequences of believing that you are exempt from harm because of your status as 'precious child'.

They are being sold a product, not having their spirit of adventure stimulated.

As with many of the issues facing modern society, cinema is in a unique position to educate as well as entertain and, once again, it seems to be fumbling the ball at the bidding of the mighty dollar.

All of which brings me to the point in hand... The rather excellent Finnish fantasy, Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale.

Because movie kids can be aesthetically challenged...

There is something inherently fantastic about a film that refuses to comply to modern trends in cinema and seeks to not only emulate the adventures of cinema past but also corrupt the myth of the most commercial season of the year. After all, what better target than the spirit of Christmas when debunking the overly commercial tendencies of current filmmaking?

Rare Exports carries a 15 certificate although I couldn't begin to tell you why... It has no swearing, no gore, no nudity (unless you count the odd glimpse of old man genitals, which I suppose you should) or any of the elements one would associate with an age restriction normally reserved for adult fare (lest we forget, Jaws has a PG rating to this day and could scare the shit out of you whether you saw it with a responsible adult or not...). So, don't be fooled by the age certificate, story outline or presentation of the film on the DVD box... This specimen is not a horror film by any stretch of the imagination. It's a children's film, pure and simple...

A really good one.

To describe the plot in any real detail would spoil the film greatly... Suffice to say, it's a smart, measured piece that borrows heavily from a plethora of great eighties kids movies to put a tremendous (and dark) spin on the Christmas mythos... The pretty but barren Finnish mountain setting makes an excellent substitute for the faceless suburbia of many of the standout films of the decade whilst other story elements (the absent mother whose death is never discussed by the distracted and financially troubled father, the lonely but aware child who is the first to work out what is going on and struggles to find an ally) also strike a familiar chord with the aging viewer.

This is fairy tale, coming of age story and escapist fantasy all mixed into one with more than enough fresh material thrown into the mix to lend it a creepy urgency that easily trumps the overly conscious and baroque stylings of Mr Burton and actually puts our main characters into a scenario with palpable danger, even though the threat is a fantasy creature that no one believes to be real. The children of this film have no interest in popularity, fashion or technology. Instead, they read books, ride snow mobiles, carry guns and are ever aware of the wolves that live in the mountains around their homes... If they decide something is scary then the chances are it is.

And yes, some bad things do happen to them...

Naughty... Or nice?

Tonally, there have been a handful of similar films made in the States in recent times... Both The Hole and Super 8 harked back to a golden age of children's adventure film but neither really had the nerve to fully commit to the outright creepy or place their characters into any mortal danger (and both had very mediocre runs at the box office, perhaps as a direct result). Coming from Finland, Rare Exports doesn't really have to navigate the studio system in the same way or provide healthy revenue through family friendly merchandising... And it shows.

This is a film that is free to play out more like an authentic Brothers Grimm fairy tale than the Disney interpretation of the same narrative and it has no hesitation in reveling in every macabre twist that this allows.

Rare Exports isn't a perfect film by any means but I can easily imagine that it will occupy a warm corner in the affections of many an aging film nerd because it has no hesitation in holding up a mirror to the world we live in and, even when what is reflected back isn't safe or pretty, it can still be exciting, scary and, most importantly, fun.

If that isn't a good enough reason to sit down in front of a movie with your kids this Christmas then I don't know what is. And, as I may have mentioned, any one of my extremely limited number of friends will tell you that I thoroughly enjoy a jolly movie where kids get hurt, maimed and perhaps even killed (depending entirely, of course, on how vile the child in question may be), so you may just want to put your offspring to bed and revel in a film that will take you back to a time when you were happy to watch children put in mortal danger in order to teach you something about the world you live in.

Stakes Is High

If you were to replace the word 'vampire' with 'zombie' and the word 'bleak' with 'humorous' then the poorly constructed review that follows could well be about the curiously over lauded 'laugh riot' known as Zombieland.

It's not... That movie did very well for itself and has little to no need for some no name Tiki Artist slash Genre Movie Blogger such as myself to spread the good word on it's mainstream pleasing merits, especially as you probably all already own the aforementioned movie on DVD and Blu Ray and like to bring it up on first dates with 'hip' people (they have horn rimmed glasses, sailor tattoos and perhaps even a niece named Amelie) you are hoping to impress with your own innate coolness. This, however, is a rookie mistake... If you really want to impress them then point out that the guy who did the voice the voice for Peter Venkman in The Real Ghostbusters cartoon was the same fellow who did the voice for Garfield in the animated series. Bill Murray was Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters and then the voice of Garfield in the live action moves... Cinematic mesh!

Sweet, sweet loving is guaranteed*!

*Sweet, sweet loving is in NO way guaranteed.

In no way Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg (that dude from The Social Network)

Good luck with that... I doubt very much that a working knowledge of Zombieland or Bill Murray trivia is ever going to get you into anyone's pants. Try learning quotes from The Breakfast Club (eighties teen flicks are so hot right now).

No dear (celibate) reader, this poorly constructed but mercifully brief review/opinion is about the bleak vampire movie called Stake Land, a film that succeeds taking the sparkle out of a genre that has had its teeth unceremoniously removed by the cult of Twilight (a pop culture phenomenon I find so morally offensive that I can barely put it into words and one that I hold solely responsible for the Abercrombie & Fitch-ing of every possible horror related release of recent times, including the forthcoming reboot of The Howling). It takes the better aspects of the zombie genre and applies them to the 'Hot Topic' addled vampire genre to create a film that is fairly unto itself in this modern cinema age (although pleasantly familiar to anyone who grew up in the golden age of VHS fare and was treated to EVERY possible combination of classic monster variant inhabiting post apocalyptic wasteland scenario imaginable, primarily because it was dirt cheap to film... Hell Comes To Frogtown anyone? Anyone..?).

Stake Land is a gritty, no nonsense, no budget affair set in a VHS friendly (although very compelling to this thirty something DVD viewer) apocalyptic world over run with vampires that serves as the perfect antidote to all of the over buffed, over posturing, under written and CGI infested wish fulfilment that has muddied the horror waters of late. These vampires are feral, dirty and animalistic, not dissimilar to the antagonists of the often maligned 30 Days Of Night but minus that last shred of relatable humanity that they possessed. They have no comraderie or awareness of their state to make them as appealing as Kathryn Bigelow's affectionately sketched and portrayed vampires in Near Dark. They are victims of a viral disease (rather than the affections of a hundred and something year old man creature that hangs around high schools, looking for love in all the wrong places) and are never presented as anything other than predators and a very real, relentless physical threat to our lead characters.

Team Edward?

And so to the gripe...

It is with these aforementioned lead characters that Stake Land makes a minor rod for it's own back. As with the Zombie/Micro-budget genre it borrows from, this film spends a lot of time on the road with an ever expanding/shrinking group of characters, all searching for that elusive safe zone that they have heard about. 

Sound familiar?

Some of these characters are a lot more interesting than others (a shockingly old looking Kelly McGillis turns in a pretty decent turn as what must be THE most badass and frequently raped nun in the history of cinema), some exist solely to get killed (hey there Superfluous Black Guy Character and look, you brought Doomed Pregnant Chick with you too!) whilst others are more delicately drawn and almost allowed room to grow amidst the chaos.

Sound familiar?

Again, as with the Zombie genre, we are treated to a slightly laboured 'who are the real monsters here' sub plot involving a religious cult who try to use the vampires to ethnically cleanse the world but such is the curse of having a silent primary villain... Someone's got to reel off the bad guy dialogue (and drop Vampires out of helicopters into uninfected areas).

How about that, does that sound familiar (other than the kickass dropping vampires out of helicopters bit)?

Of course it does... You are, after all, a visually literate fan of films and have seen these archetypes in many, many, MANY films before.

So, yes... Stake Land is ultimately derivative but it also brings enough new material and fresh concepts to the table to shirk the narrative curse of the traditional or post Twilight vampire flick... It becomes a movie unto itself in execution, dedication to its concept and lean narrative and one that is well worth the investment of your time and money.

The vampire movie lives to fight another day.

Fuck you Stephenie Meyer!

Capital Venture!

It's a sad fact that many people reading this will never have heard of 'The Venture Bros.', one of the most affectionate, well written and outright hilarious pieces of animation ever to grace the small screen. Sadder still is that many people WILL have heard of it but never been afforded an opportunity to see it as it's one of THOSE series that never seems to air (whilst the lumbering cash cows that are 'Family Guy' and 'The Simpsons' hog up endless screen time with their never ending repeats, a sad destiny that awaits the once mighty 'Futurama').

Suffice to say, at one moment in Season 1 of 'The Venture Bros.' I realised that I was watching a cartoon featuring the voices of both Patrick Warburton AND Stephen Colbert in the SAME EPISODE..! If you get a moment of slightly less than cool elation at that prospect then you may wish to skip this redundant post and just go right ahead and grab yourself a copy of the show. If you're scratching your head in confusion then you may wish to skip this redundant post and just go right ahead and load up Facebook as you obviously have much better things to do with your time.

A quick look around the internet will give you pretty much all the information you may need on the show (it is, after all, where I first heard about it) and Seasons 1 to 4 are currently available to purchase on both Amazon and iTunes (which is where I first sampled it... To watch on an iPad no less! I know, right? Get me, all 'Mr Hipster Watching Cool Cartoons And Then Blogging About Them On An Oversized Mobile Phone'! No wonder the ladies are all over me, I'm quite the catch!) and Season 5 is just about to air in the States.

There's a pretty rabid fan base out there, so be warned... You may want to try some more 'objective' feedback on the show before you get forever put off by some sycophantic, 'The Venture Bros. Can Do No Wrong' style blog because, as we all know, there's nothing more off putting than a gushing nerd (ahem).*

*I would urge you not to enter 'Gushing Nerd' into your Google search when looking for information on the show.

So, with such an internet presence and obviously devoted following, why is this show such an unknown quantity? Why is it quite likely that YOU have never seen it, even if you've heard about it? I can only really attribute it to three basic things, none of which have anything to do with the fact that your life is probably far too rich a patina of events to warrant the purchase of an oversized mobile phone in order to watch obscure cartoons (unlike my empty husk of an existence):

1: Battlestar Galactica Syndrome?

Did you watch 'Battlestar Galactica'? If so, did you watch it from the first episode and then follow it week by week as it aired? If the answer to this is 'Yes' then you probably had a really good time following one of the more convoluted but well paced and involving science fiction series ever screened on the humble television set. However, if you heard it was good after initially avoiding it (because, hey, what were the actual chances it was going to do anything other than suck? I mean, Starbuck was a girl for the love of God... A GIRL!!!) then you probably dipped in midway through the Season, found yourself baffled and annoyed by how impenetrable the story line was and swiftly gave up.

Now, I'm not saying that 'The Venture Bros.' is a narrative labyrinth but it does have a lot of ongoing story lines and recurring characters that require you to pay a modicum of attention. As with 'Battlestar Galactica' it doesn't really do stand alone stories as such and that makes it a headache for an audience who may want to dip in and out and even more of a problem for a network who may want to show random episodes to fill random time slots. Imagine a world in which 'Family Guy' and 'The Simpsons' had ongoing story lines... They'd be 'The Critic' (another great cartoon that you've probably never seen if you live in the UK) and they'd very rarely, if ever, get a television outing and vanish into obscurity.

Once you get past Season 1, 'The Venture Bros.' quickly evolves into an ongoing saga which neatly develops it's central characters and themes (although it almost dispenses with the titular Brothers entirely for Seasons 2 and 3) and expands beautifully on what could easily have been a tiresome one note joke. This, however, creates the aforementioned problem... Woe betide the man who dips into the show in Season 3 without having seen what came before. If you don't know your Dr. Girlfriend from your Dr. Mrs The Monarch then you are out of your depth and need to double back to Episode 1 of Season 1 and start all over again... You'll be glad you did though, as this is a show that rewards your loyalty with some great payoffs and an absolute dedication to it's own rules, logic and continuity.

How often do you get to say that these days?

2: Where Are The Toys?

We all know that you can't have a legitimate success these days without a series of collectables to accompany your series or film (thank you Mr Lucas), they are the pop culture equivalent of standing atop a building and yelling 'Made it Ma, top of the world!' and validate your product to the public... After all, it can't be worth anyone's time if you can't touch it or OWN it. Transient concepts like stories are just SO last century...

So, five Seasons in, where in the name of collectables are 'The Venture Bros.' toys?!

Nothing ingrains your property into the minds of the masses (and thus ensures it's survival) like a series of products featuring the likeness of your stars and nothing lends itself better to this than animation (especially as you don't have to pay any unbearable child star for the use of their likeness). Now, the ever reliable Sideshow Collectibles have produced a fantastic statuette of Brock Samson and Biff Bang Pow toys are currently struggling to get a line of three and three quarter inch figures to the shelves but... Seriously?! This show has run since 2004 and the world is still waiting for action figures? Not even a crappy Burger King tie in? Even '9' (anyone?) had a series of toys and that was a hideously underwhelming movie that bombed at the box office!

It would seem that licensing really has become key to bringing a show to fore in this day and age... After all, who really wants to watch a show that doesn't warrant a lunchbox or themed board game? But then, who wants a lunchbox or board game based on a show they've never seen or even heard of?

Yeah, have a good old think on that one for a while... It's the old Chicken and Egg spiel, all spruced up for the purposes of making my point seem valid!

3: Is It Just Too Clever (By Which I Mean Affectionate)?

I loved 'Airplane!', it was a great movie made by people who respected the source material that they were lampooning. The tiresome wave of lazy rip offs that ensued (which continued through every 'Scary Movie' sequel right through to the abysmal and worryingly recent 'Stan Helsing') had no love for what they were mocking. They were a series of lifted images and stories with added fart gags and implied nudity that required no knowledge of the source material to make them 'funny'.

You know... For kids.

Sadly for those kids, 'The Venture Bros.' isn't going to let you off so easily.

You won't require an encyclopedic knowledge of Silve Age Marvel comics, late seventies and early eighties cartoons or the spy and science fiction movies of the sixties to fully enjoy this show but it will be a massive boon in catching the rapid fire visual and verbal referencing that pepper the episodes. Even when it is reveling in it's more obvious lampooning, 'The Venture Bros.' works best to an audience that has sat in front of a television on countless Saturday mornings with a minimum of two bowls of sugary cereal and genuinely loved the likes of 'G.I. Joe', 'Scooby Doo' (or any of it's identikit Hanna-Barbera siblings), 'Johnny Quest', 'Spiderman & Friends' and the endless waves of thinly disguised toy commercials that littered the airwaves.

Both visually and in it's writing, this is a show that captures the essence (and inherent ridiculousness) of these narratives and reimagines them from the perspective of their now adult audience. Characters have either never grasped the real world or just grown cynical, unable to recapture the glory of their 'boy adventurer' youth, clinging to their fading fame whilst actually living in a world of giant robots, super villains, magic and an endless stream of impossibly cool technology. Others are more cartoonish and in keeping with the look and themes of the show. Uniquely, all of them are treated as living, breathing characters and afforded opportunities to grow, reveal back story and evolve over the course of the 4 Seasons.

So, start at Episode 1 of Season 1 and enjoy. Work your way through the curiously underproduced but wonderfully written Season 2 and watch the series take flight. Then, sit back and revel in Season's 3 and 4... By the time you've finished, you'll find you genuinely miss Hank, Dean, Brock, Thadius and The Monarch (and every other GREAT character) in the same way that you might miss the narrator of a great book when you finish it.

Then, much as I did, you'll think it's a sad fact that many people reading this will never have heard of 'The Venture Bros.', one of the most affectionate, well written and outright hilarious pieces of animation ever to grace the small screen.

The Emperor's New Movie: Inception

For Those Who Don't Know:

'The Emperor's New Movie' is a term I apply to any film that gathers massive box office success, universal critical acclaim and a fistful of awards simply on the basis of reputation rather than merit. These are the films that everyone suddenly seems to love and talk about in spite of the fact that they are clearly not as innovative, inspiring or anywhere near as good as everyone convinces themselves that they are. They are also known as 'Films Your Neighbour Loves' ("Oh, have you seen it? You simply MUST see it...") and will get you swiftly ejected from a group conversation should you offer anything other than glowing praise of the film in question.

With that in mind, let's take a look at:

Inception

Remember 'The Matrix'? Christopher Nolan does. Remember the twisty turny plot of 'Memento' that actually turns out to be a bit of a con if you stop and think about it for too long? Christopher Nolan hopes you don't. Remember what happens when you give a writer/director who thinks he's a lot smarter than his audience a massive special effects budget to distract you from the short comings of a really basic pop psychology notion that he has dressed up as a really challenging Sci-Fi concept? Well, you do now... All thanks to Christopher Nolan and the bafflingly popular 'Inception'.

Massively successful, critically acclaimed and due an Oscar or two in March... No, not Christopher Nolan's 'The Dark Knight Returns' (another post, another time), I'm talking about 'Inception', a film that I really wanted to like... And did. To a point...

It was an okay excursion into the ever more popular 'action movie with intellectual set dressing' sub genre that has been growing in popularity over the recent years...

I can only assume that this is something to do with a thirty something generation of film viewers who grew up with some of the seminal works in the action genre ('Predator', 'Die Hard', 'Aliens' et all) wanting to go back to the cinema and see more explosions, gunfights, quips and chicks but not wanting to look too low brow in front of their partners... Which is strange, because at the other end of the demographic spectrum is a generation of teens who also want films that follow the traditional formulas but dress them with characters who are 'above' the very material they populate ('Juno', 'Scott Pilgrim Vs The World', '500 Days Of Summer' et all).

What I find most baffling about this whole trend is that the films that are being referenced and 'expanded' upon didn't need over thinking or filling with self referential characters. They were films that existed within their own universes, hinted at bigger ideas but never betrayed their own narratives in order to do so. You think the characters in 'Heathers' or 'Say Anything' had never seen a movie? Of course they had, they just didn't need to talk about it in the world of the story to prove that they were real beings. Imagine how dull 'Star Wars' would have been if it had spent needless hours expanding upon the basic ideas at it's core... You don't have to, we have 'The Phantom Menace' onwards to prove the point.

The current generation of film viewer seems to need some psuedo intellectual reassurance that they are allowed to watch what they enjoy... Which is a shame as it bogs down potentially great movies with endless winks to the audience and their perceived level of intelligence.

Ultimately, 'Inception' is just another post 'Matrix' action thriller with Sci-Fi trappings, under developed ideas that it uses to mask it's narrative shortcomings and excessive use of hair product. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I hadn't been forced to listen to several conversations about how 'mind bendingly' brilliant it was or how I'd need to see it at least twice to fully understand it.

I didn't.

I saw it once, got it completely, filed it on the shelf and moved on.

Films You Should Watch Instead:

Vertigo

The Matrix

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

The Splice Is Right

Alright everyone, show of hands... Who's seen this movie?



Yeah, that's right... It's 'Cube', or 'The Thinking Man's Saw' as it also known around some parts (those parts, in this case, being My House... Don't look for it on Google Maps, you won't find it).

It was a cerebral little puzzle box of a film that managed to be really quite unpleasant without ever really wallowing in it's gorier moments, an intelligent Sci Fi/Horror hybrid that smelt a little bit like a throwback to times past simply by virtue of it's steady pace and slightly lofty ambitions. It also benefited from being released around the time that DVD came to the fore and was, for a short time, one of those films that EVERYONE who was interested in the new format owned (the others being 'Dark City', 'Shadow Of The Vampire' and 'Bring It On'... Yeah, look at your DVD shelf, you know they're on there somewhere) simply because it was one of very few titles available.

The point is this... You have almost certainly seen 'Cube'. You may even have seen 'Cube 2: Hypercube' or 'Cube 0' (because back then, you HAD to have a prequel with a zero in the title, although the trend for inserting the word 'Hyper' into a sequel title never took off... Shame, I could quite go for 'Ring 2: Hypering' or even 'Sniper 2: Hypersniper'). Thanks to the new format, a lot of people got to see a very decent movie that would have otherwise slipped under the radar (and 'Bring It On' got to have no less than three sequels and will probably spawn a 'Bring It On Zero: Hyperbringiton 3D' by the time this goes to press).

And, finally, we get to the point:

Having seen 'Cube', you would imagine that it's director - Vincenzo Natali - would go on to make something equally ambitious... A genre piece with something intelligent to say that lingers in the memory long after the credits roll.

You'd be right too...

But someone didn't want you to know that:

I know what you're thinking...

"It looks like the bald chick from 'Star Trek: The Motion Picture' has been invited to pose for the cover of GQ and some joker in the editing room has gotten bored and drawn a penis tail on her with his free photo editing software. You know, for shits and giggles."

I thought exactly the same thing! Weird...

It is, however, the poster for 'Splice' which - according to the adverts and press releases -appears to be a horror film about a creature that is grown in a lab and matures into a sexually aggressive creature who happens to look a lot like a naked woman.

Again, I know what you're thinking...

Yeah, I thought the same thing... And given that the above movie is affectionately known as 'Feces' around these parts, that's not really a connection you want to make.

We're talking about a film that was actually dull enough that I have not seen all three of the sequels (and bear in mind that I have seen all three of the 'Bring It On' sequels, more than once in some cases), a film that I will actively turn off when it comes onto cable (and bear in mind that I have left 'Jaws: The Revenge' playing when it has the nerve to show up on the late night schedule).

It's not that I don't care for a stupid Sci-Fi yarn or enjoy the odd by the numbers thriller but 'Species' plays out more like a bad 'woman as predator' soft porn movie with delusions of grandeur and a double ration of boobs as plot point but minus the soft funk soundtrack. Ultimately, however, it suffers from the one fatal flaw for which I just can't forgive any movie, whatever the genre...

It's dull.

In an effort to trick the casual viewer into thinking that the movie might be slightly more interesting than my considered synopsis makes it sound, someone 'cleverly' decided to play up the horror angle and focus on the fact that the creature is not only an actual, you know, creature (as opposed to just being a charming naked lady with large bosoms) but is also designed by H.R. Giger... You know, the dude who did 'Alien'! So come on people, get psyched for this movie too because it has a direct link to a bona fide classic of the Horror/Sci-Fi genres, an actual well regarded piece of cinema that spawned a genuinely iconic creature!

So, gone are the lurid, early nineties colours and weak Photoshopping of a naked woman and instead we are presented with this:

Hot Damn!

Of course, the film it's advertising has very little to do with the above image... The original poster is a much more honest representation of what you're going to get. This poster has a lot more to do the themes and tones of, say, a movie like 'Splice'... Something that has the trappings of a good monster movie but uses them to convey a story that has more to do with the human elements at play.

Which is, I imagine, why we also have this poster:


Now, I'm no market analyst but I think I might be beginning to see where those in charge of getting 'Splice' out to it's ideal audience may have (ever so slightly) missed the mark.

You see, it's actually a semi cerebral example of a film that manages to be really quite unpleasant without ever really wallowing in it's gorier moments, an intelligent Sci Fi/Horror hybrid that smells a little bit like a throwback to times past simply by virtue of it's steady pace and slightly lofty ambitions. Sound familiar? Of course it does, this is a film by the man who made 'Cube'. It doesn't matter that it has a plot twist that is clearly sign posted early on, it doesn't matter that the 'shocking' creator/creation sex scene is common knowledge (there is a far more unpleasant moment that follows anyway), what matters in 'Splice' is how we get there... Not how many shots of a conveniently hot alien's boobs we can squeeze in before we have to blow her up.

It's by no means a perfect film: The pace is a little bit languid at times, the message is a little heavy handed and naming your two central characters after lead actors from 'The Bride Of Frankenstein' is almost certainly a step too far. However, these are also all trappings of the films that it seeks to emulate; those great, preachy creature features that ran amok during the 30's and 40's... One's that almost certainly have a character give a warning about 'man's place in the scheme of things' and how we shouldn't 'play god', films that always had to somehow dispose of their creature in a finale that felt like an afterthought to the tense, measured build up. Now add to that central performances that are almost good enough to make me forget how much I object to Adrian Brody and effects work that is actually really nicely handled and suitably biological/feasibly disgusting without ever detracting from the core of the story.

I ask you, does this sound like a film you want to see if you're a card carrying fan of the 'Species' series?

That's what I thought.

So why advertise it as though it were a semi remake and be shocked when your target demographic of 16 to 35 year old males is left cold by the thespian stylings of Adrian Brody and Sarah Polley and a brief shot of (small) breasts?

Much like the vastly underrated 'Fido' before it, 'Splice' plays out like one of the better episodes from the 'Masters Of Horror' series and may well have benefited from being a television one off rather than a theatrical release... How you react to that statement will probably determine how much enjoyment you glean from this surprisingly old fashioned morality tale, but believe me when I say that it is a compliment.

Fortunately for Vincenzo Natali, 'Splice' has arrived just as Blu Ray is finally beginning to find it's feet. Perhaps it's availability and high quality presentation on the new(ish) format will help this great little film to find the same audience that 'Cube' managed to amass on DVD, the one that it deserves as opposed to the one it was advertised to.

Double Dekker

If this was one of those cool, indie movies that I see being promoted on the internet and so on, this post would end with Fred Dekker directing a scene from the franchise slaughtering threequel, 'Robocop 3'.

The camera would linger on his lined face as a moment of sadness flickered across his jaded brow... Sure, Robocop was a hoot. Hell, even the much maligned Robocop 2 was a great way to pass a rainy afternoon. But this... This generous slice of misguided ass is an affront to thirteen year old gorehounds everywhere. Where's the wit? Where's the invention? Where's the dad from 'That 70's Show'? Where are the BASTARD GOOD BITS?!

But hey... What the Robohell do thirteen year old kids know about mortgages? Because, as we thirty something gorehounds know all to well, those things don't pay themselves. So, the kids can go and Robofuck themselves and we'll just get on with earning our keep.

With a deep sigh and a swift glance at his repayment schedule, Dekker raises a viewfinder to his eye and calls out to that actor in the poorly constructed Robocostume (who isn't Peter Weller)... 'Thrill me!'

We, the audience, see Dekker's POV as the viewfinder rises... Except... What we see as the lens meets his jaded eye is not the low, low, low budget Atlanta sets of early nineties 'Robocop 3'... It seems to be the mid eighties and an entirely different movie is being made...

CUE FLASHBACK MUSIC!



BAM!

Meet young Fred Dekker on the set of outstanding genre bender 'Night Of The Creeps'!

Clutched eagerly in his young hands is a script he has written (allegedly in two weeks), one that fuses elements of 1950's B-Movie goodness with 1980's horror sensibilities. It's dumb, it's cheap, it has incredible 80's sweaters, it has boobs, it has exploding heads, it has brain controlling slugs from another world, it has zombies, it has the tagline 'The Good News Is Your Dates Are Here... The Bad News Is, They're Dead!'

Holy crap Dekker! This could be a masterpiece...

It's a self referential wink to the Sci-Fi and Horror genres that lets you know that it's in on the joke... It has enough good stuff to keep you in the story but plenty of narrative winks to camera to make you aware that you shouldn't be taking this too seriously (although naming ALL of your characters after famous horror directors might be taking things a little too far Mr Dekker). All this a clean decade before 'Scream' repeated the same joke (minus the Astro Zombies) and became a household name (although, naming ALL of your characters after famous horror directors might be taking things a little too far Mr Craven) and a clean twenty years before the film was (sort of) remade as 'Slither' with equally appalling box office results.

Of course, young Fred Dekker doesn't know that this film is going to tank at the box office yet... He's still busy putting together an hour and twenty minutes of gooey, delirious fun... Part 'Revenge Of The Nerds', part 'Night Of The Living Dead', part 'Invasion Of The Body Snatchers' but with added zombie Cats and undead Dogs. His love for movies is infectious and - even when the film misses it's mark or repeats a catch phrase once too often - you're going to get swept along for the ride.

There's no way of knowing why this one will fail to take off at the cinema. It will be released at a period of cinema history where insane genre hybrids are taking over... 'Big Trouble In Little China', 'Ghostbusters', 'Gremlins' and a host of other movies are all setting the tills ringing and tongues wagging with their fusing of modern effects and attitudes with affectionate and knowing nods to genres past.

Perhaps 'Night Of The Creeps' will just get lost in the stampede.

Perhaps it is a joke aimed exclusively at a generation who grew up watching the source material on VHS and DVD and new fangled Blu-Ray... A generation who don't actually exist when Dekker sees his film underpromoted and given short shrift by the studio that bank rolled it. A generation who will have to wait an age to finally see 'Night Of The Creeps' on those same formats when word of mouth and fan demand finally get it the release it deserves.

So, young Fred Dekker will just have to wait twenty five years for his film to find its audience... As it turns out, the delirious melting pot of ideas needs time to cook down and 'Night Of The Creeps' has to become part of the lexicon of films that it refers to before it can be fully appreciated. It has to become what it mimicked... A near forgotten B-Movie gem that gets promoted by word of mouth, best viewed with friends at a late hour, rum in hand and tongue in cheek.

Wow... Deep stuff!

Of course, young Fred Dekker has no idea of this as the Assistant Director appears beside him to let him know that the Zombie Dog puppet is ready for its close up. This Fred Dekker smiles a smile full of hope and raises his view finder to his eye...

CUE FLASHFORWARD MUSIC!

And we're back in the present (because for jaded Fred Dekker, 1989 is the present... Not the present that we know as 2010).

The Assistant Director of 'Robocop 3' has just finished telling him that the Robot Ninja puppet is ready for its close up and Fred has gone to inspect the set up, reluctantly dragging his forlorn mass towards the cheaply assembled latex disaster that passes for an effect in this Roboclusterfuck of a production, sighing the deep sigh of a film maker who has reached the lowest rung of his craft, his shoulders slumping limply on a set so bad that you can all but hear the porn being filmed next door.

Time to take another glance at that mortgage repayment schedule and, lest we forget, factor in those alimony bills.

And yet... As jaded Fred Dekker gazes upon this Robopuppetpieceofshit his face changes, becoming almost... Younger! Delighted! Enthused in a way that suggests he had been given money by a major studio to hire Stan Winston to 're-imagine' the classic Universal Monsters and was now being shown the work for the first time...

The light changes to become brighter, the Roboporn set fading to reveal something more thrilling and macabre... It seems to be the mid eighties and an entirely different movie is being made...

CUE FLASHBACK MUSIC!



BAM!

Meet middle Fred Dekker on the set of outstanding genre bender 'The Monster Squad'!

We learn two things instantly about middle Fred Dekker... Firstly, he LOVES genre cinema enough to risk putting a spin on it again a mere year after seeing his first effort fail and, secondly, he was more of an 'Explorers' guy than a 'Goonies' guy.

How do we know this?

'The Monster Squad' is one of those movies for kids that only seemed to get made in the eighties... It's a bit violent, has some swearing, some casual misogyny, some smoking and, perhaps most important of all, assumes that children aren't drooling retards with no awareness of either the cinematic world OR the real world. The middle Fred Dekker has seen the post 'E.T.' signs on the wall... He knows that kids fare is going to get a 'little' anodyne as the years progress, with each new studio offering becoming a self contained mission in merchandising that offers no window into imagination or the world around the viewer. Sure, the odd 'Monster House' will crop up but... The days of 'Explorers' and 'Flight Of The Navigator's are soon to be a distant memory, buried beneath the mooing mass of the annual Summer Cash Cow stampede.

Or something along those lines.

So, having done the gooey fifties B-Movie stuff, middle Fred Dekker decides to raid his beloved Universal Monster back catalogue, splice it with a 'Stand By Me' style coming-of-age yarn, toss in some implied nudity (this IS a kids film, after all, a glimpse of horrific mid eighties underwear will suffice) and see what flavours that crazy Gumbo throws up...

Holy crap Dekker! This could be a masterpiece... With nards!

It's a loving wink to the great monsters of cinema past that directly invites the youth of today (yesterday?) to embrace these icons and find them enthralling and perhaps even menacing again... It has enough good stuff to keep you in the story but plenty of narrative winks to camera to make you aware that you shouldn't be taking this too seriously (wait now, this is all sounding VERY familiar). Dracula, The Wolfman, The Mummy, The 'Swamp Creature' and Frankenstein's Monster are all present and correct, reinvented for a new generation of movie goer and treated with a respect and reverence that is sorely lacking from more recent attempts to revive their legends. Every rule is respected (it's Frankenstein's Monster people!), every characteristic put on screen, every creature given it's moment and then pitted against a group of children who respect (and love) these creatures rather than an Abbot and Costello-esque mockery of them.

Of course, middle Fred Dekker doesn't know that this film is going to tank at the box office yet... He's still busy putting together an hour and thirty minutes of monster loving, gloriously quotable fun... It is, in essence, the very embodiment of eighties family fare but with upped quotas of clashing families, outstanding prosthetics work and endless Virgin jokes. His love for the movies that gave us genre cinema is infectious and - even when the film misses it's mark or steps over the line from kids film into something a little too off colour - you're going to get swept along for the ride.

There's no way of knowing why this one will fail to take off at the cinema but the signs are there... It will be released at a period of cinema where cinema tastes are beginning to shift... 'A Nightmare On Elm Street', 'Friday The 13th' and a host of other movies are all out to reshape the landscape of teen horror with their fusing of modern effects and attitudes with a keen sense of morality buried beneath the tides of nubile teens being slaughtered.

Perhaps 'The Monster Squad' will just get overlooked for it's pleasing amorality and slavish devotion to horror icons of a period that suddenly looks extremely quaint to the newly jaded eyes of its intended audience.

Perhaps it is too knowing... Perhaps it will be the cruel lack of merchandising... This is, after all, a film aimed at a generation who have grown up post 'Star Wars', a generation who seem to require (by default) a series of action figures, lunch boxes and ZX Spectrum games in order to feel a film is worthy of their attention. 'The Monster Squad' has none of these when Dekker sees his film underpromoted and given short shrift by the studio that bank rolled it.

So, middle Fred Dekker will just have to wait twenty years for his film to find its audience... As it turns out, the delirious melting pot of ideas needs time for its intended audience to grow up a little, work their way backwards from his offering to the material it draws from and then revisit his tremendous movie before 'The Monster Squad' can truly be appreciated as the 'thinking mans Goonies'. There are still no toys, no games and no studio manipulated internet nostalgia... It stands alone as a forgotten B-Movie gem that gets promoted by word of mouth, best viewed with friends at a late hour, rum in hand and tongue in cheek.

Of course, middle Fred Dekker has no idea of this as the Assistant Director appears beside him to let him know that the producers have a problem with the line 'The Wolfman's got nards!'. This Fred Dekker smiles a smile full of wry humour and raises his view finder to his eye...

CUE FLASHFORWARD MUSIC!

But wait...

Is jaded Fred Dekker is still smiling fondly?

How..? How can he still be smiling when it has all come to this?!

Because he's known what was happening all along! He's known exactly how it would play out twenty five years later and we've fallen into the clutches of his masterplan!!!

Sure, this Robocesspit of a movie will pay the bills. It will also sit on the dusty shelves of the studio for three years before being unceremoniously released and then dumped onto the new, fangled DVD format and quickly forgotten. No one will care... No one will remember it for anything other than a slew of awful Super Nintendo games and poorly sculpted action figures. Meanwhile, 'Night Of The Creeps' and 'The Monster Squad' will begin to pick up interest... Slowly and inexorably, these movies will generate hushed conversation and demand for a DVD release will begin to swell...

Jaded Fred Dekker knew that one day, far into the future, the viewers who shunned him would find these films on a format that didn't even exist as yet and his love letters to genre cinema of the past would finally reach their audience. Would his films be responisble for this renewed interest in the monsters and nightmares of cinema past or just lucky passengers on the wave of nostalgia? Who knows... All that matters is that they're finally back where they belong; in the loving hands and on the mammoth television screens of film nerds everywhere.

Jaded Fred Dekker smiles and slowly turns to face the waiting crew of 'Robocop 3', two simple words from his mouth spurring them back into action:

'Thrill me!'

The Return Of Puttiki

The cool kids out there will, of course, remember the first Puttiki... If not, check the link to feast those eager peepers and ask yourself if you've really made the right choices in life.

Well, lookit... Even though you might be distracting him from Ice Spiders on cable, your old pal LFT is not one to deny people a second chance at life. So brace yourselves, because here comes THE RETURN OF PUTTIKI!



Look at that poster.

Look at it again!

The allure of Mini Golf? The promise of cocktails?! DJ's?!!

Now look at that line up of artists...

Atomic Tony Tiki, D.D. Mae, Tiki Racer, Trader Tark, Mummy's Little Monster, Clumsy AND MORE?!

MORE?!

This is going to be a gathering of some of the FINEST low brow and tiki art in the known universe... And that is, in no way, an overstatement.

Keep an eye an it here but expect to be making your way down to Hunny Lu Lu's in Hastings for the Bank Holiday weekend at the end of August.

Break out the Wii and start warming up that putting arm people... Once you've bought some art from one of the AMAZING artists mentioned above, you'll be wanting to compete for a place on the hallowed Puttiki wall of fame!

Now, back to Ice Spiders...

When 'Aliens' Procrastinate!

It would seem that someone in the world of cinema has the two following issues:

1) An unhealthy interest in attempting to duplicate the cinematic success of Mr Spielberg.
2) An unhealthy dislike for young people in wheelchairs.

In this nugget of cinematic dog egg we see ANOTHER unfortunate youth meets wheelchair meets near death by water sequence… However, unlike Cruel Jaws (which, you will recall is in no way a carbon copy of… Jaws) this joy is Mac and Me (which, I will inform you now, is in no way a carbon copy of E.T.) and has a unique twist on the theme of wheelchair infanticide. You see, this child is not in danger of being eaten by any water dwelling carnivore. He is in danger of death by alien procrastination…

Behold yonder sequence...

The faintly phallic assembly of used chewing gum that is Mac (NOT to be confused with E.T.) spends far too long deciding whether or not to use his cosmic powers to rescue the helpless child currently splashing around in the water. This is after said child has already fallen from a great height to reach the aforementioned water (and I say child under the assumption that no one has noticed that it is some sort of shop mannequin tied to a wheelchair that actually makes the descent).

You will note, of course, that the child’s parents and immediate family are far too preoccupied with their annual recreation of the opening credits of Little House On The Prairie to offer any assistance and so it all falls to Mac, the Ponderous Cosmic Schlong to save the day...

I might point out to the mysterious film maker who would really like to be Mr Spielberg (but, alas, hates children) that if I am to believe that these two are going to become BFF’s then some swifter action on the part of Mac might have been nice here. After all, no matter how hard we try to pretend that this is a nice, accepting world, we all know that when you look different or sound weird then you have to work thrice as hard for acceptance. Let's go back and take another look at Mac shall we..?

Yeah, I'd be moving pretty quickly there Space Buddy!

And don't think for a moment that Wheelchair Kid has anything to prove here... I think the Swiftly Replacing Himself With A Shop Dummy To Perform A Simulated Death Dive just sealed him a reputation as one of the Cool Dudes at the swimming pond. The kind of sweet lovin' he'll be getting from all the Lakeside Lovelies means he can take you or leave you to be honest... Less thinking, more Space Wizardy if you want an 'in' with the kids Mac!

Just as a note of interest I will point out here that if my supposed Bestie From Space left me hanging like that I’d get myself to shore (somehow) and then use what little strength I had left in my arms to swing one of my lifeless legs up and square into Mac’s space nuts! Or, if I was feeling especially sassy, I may even use a detached limb from my freshly moistened Shop Dummy to perform the same action...

Still, we’ll give Mac & Me a solid F+ for puppetry, a shakey B for wheelchair stunt work and a questionable 'Ungraded' for decisive use of cosmic magic/child care whilst assuming that Mac is the intergalactic alter ego of the mysterious film maker and genuinely had to give the rescue issue some thought (what with hating kids and all).

Ahh, Mac… We’ve all learned something today.

So Nad, It's Good...

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have an ample ream of unwritten script ideas hidden beneath my pillow… If by ideas you mean swell sounding titles that will never have an actual story to go with them. Things like Lunar-Tick or Terror-Dactyl or Prime-8 or… Well you get the idea. Sadly, I also have a voice in my head that says things such as: ‘Hey, what a cool title but… No, no… Hang on… The only thing I can think of to fit that title is a really generic piece of crap that even the Sci-Fi Channel would be too ashamed to show… No, I’d better leave it and get back to writing Crule Jaws 2… Shame though… It is a neat title…’

So, enjoy the titles and the films you can probably imagine scene for scene from reading them but don’t bother looking for them in stores… Sadly, you won’t find them. Not even at Blockbuster.

It would seem, however, that the author of sadly overlooked masterpiece The Ginger-Dead Man shares only one of my traits… He has the sweet pun for a title but the voice in this dudes head has said ‘Hey man… Awesome title! You could totally do something with that, like… Like… Like remake Child’s Play! Yeah, that’s the ticket! Child’s Play would’ve been so much better if, like, Chucky hadn’t been so freakin’ terrifying! Let’s do it! Let’s remake Child’s Play but with a weird turd faced ginger bread thing man instead of a scary ass doll! That’s our ticket to easy street!’ And, to his credit, he has not only written it but then gone and got it made…

And let’s not undersell his work either… It is a pretty natty looking turd guy ginger bread man thing… And he does flaunt the rules of kitchen cleanliness by dripping the blood of a serial killer into the flour… AND he cuts off an old lady’s finger! As an anal retentive, the thought of old lady blood on my stainless steel kitchen fixtures is enough to give me nightmares for weeks! This film literally tears apart the coventions of the genre… If by genre you mean Child’s Play and by tear apart you mean follow it pretty much beat for beat. Face it, the script was good enough to snag Gary Busey… Enough said. This product reeks of quality AND gently baked ginger bread goodness.

What really seals this one up for me, however is knowing that there is sequel to this on it’s way… Ginger-Dead Man 2: The Passion Of The Crust. I. Shit. You. Not. And since it appears that the titular Ginger-Dead Man has been eaten and ‘re-introduced’ to the world at least once before the original was even filmed, I’m guessing that he can run and run as long as this guy and the shameless voice in his head can keep punning.

I hope things work out for those crazy kids, I really do…

When Good Sharks Go Bad...

It is my honest belief that at some point in the near future, the world will be divided into just two groups of people… Those who have seen Raging Sharks and those who haven’t.

One section of this future world will live above ground in a utopian paradise of equality and intellectual satisfaction, passing their days in sunshine and frolicking in the lush green meadows (never once having to worry about the safety of their wheelchair bound children as such devices are now a thing of the past, thanks to Hover Limbs). Hope burns brightly for these people and every day brings a new advancement in science or art that amazes and nourishes both their souls and that of their beautiful world.

The other section, however, dwell beneath the earth in dank caverns. These ‘people’ drag their boil ridden, rag clad masses through this dank, sunless underworld, their ability to reason and feel forever stunted by the one burning question that will forever plague their tortured souls… There is no hope for these people, no dream of a better world… Only the horrible memories of the nightmare that forced them into this netherworld prison. Their ruined, unseeing eyes drip impotent tears of rage as they scream into the darkness in their primitive grunts and moans… ‘How?! How could this be?! HOW COULD IT HAVE BEEN SO BAD?!’

To be honest, I think the actual question here is ‘When was it ever going to be good?’ Some wide eyed kid, fresh to Hollywood, steps off the bus from Moosejaw with only ten minutes of stock footage of sharks (assorted breeds) and two alien suits he made in his bedroom to his name. Somehow, he thinks, I’m gonna make it here! So he takes his footage of sharks (assorted breeds) and alien suits to the first production office he can find. It is located above a dry cleaners and it just so happens that the producer inside has recently been thinking to himself ‘I loved that Cruel Jaws movie and I really dig The Abyss… If only there was some way I could put the two together… Fuse the terror of a killer shark with the wonder of aliens and space and the nightmare of being trapped in an underwater research centre without just remaking Deep Blue Sea… No sir, even I have standards!’ Then comes the knock at his office door…

Between them they have the following: Ten minutes of stock footage sharks (assorted breeds). Two rubber alien suits. The talents of Corin Nemac. Fifty two dollars. One crazy notion…

And so it comes to pass that Raging Sharks is born and the fate of mankind is sealed. You can’t hate these two guys… How were they to know that their seemingly awesome attempt to make their mark on the world of shark movies would lead to this? Their idea was simple enough… Aliens crash in space and jettison a strange canister into the waters of the Bermuda Triangle where it just so happens that an underwater research lab staffed entirely by women with huge lips and breasts (oh, and a couple of dudes too) is doing some underwater research about what makes the Bermuda Triangle so darn mysterious. The canister leaks freaky orange alien goo into the water that makes all of the sharks (assorted breeds) in the area go into a rage and attack the lab and all of the big lipped, big breasted folk inside whilst a government agent sneaks on board because the government REALLY wants the orange alien goo but didn’t know where to find it until now. Then, we’ll forget all about the sharks (assorted breeds) and just have some people run around trying not to get shot by the government guy until, just when all hope is lost, the aliens turn up again, get their goo back, heal all the good guys but let the government guy get eaten by the one shark that was actually just always raging as opposed to being affected by the goo. The end.

No, we can’t hate them… Much like Prometheus or Frankenstein or that guy in Pirhana, these two souls simply had a dream that, when realised, turned swiftly into a nightmare beyond their control. And, to be honest, if someone came to you with fifty two dollars, ten minutes of stock footage of sharks (assorted breeds), two rubber alien costumes and the title Raging Sharks, can you honestly say you wouldn’t make that movie?

Can you..?

Megashark Versus Giant Octopus Versus My Nads

We’ve all been there…

It’s Wednesday afternoon, you’re on the second pot of coffee and desperately trying to forget the Friday deadline for the first draft of your new aquatic masterpiece…

And still the page remains empty.

It would help, of course, if the two children next door would stop playing their noisy, incoherent kid games in the garden. I mean, really, who can be expected to concentrate when all you can hear is:

KID 1: ‘No way man! There’s no way a shark is flying out of the water and eating the PLANE!’

KID 2: ‘But my toy plane got eaten by the dog… All I have is the shark…’

KID 1: ‘And look how big it is anyway… That’d have to be a tiny plane for the shark to jump up and eat it…’

KID 2: ‘Or maybe it’s like… A MEGA shark! Then it could jump real high and eat anything… Like, imagine… It shoots out’ve the water and grabs the plane right out’ve the air!’

KID 1: ‘You’re an idiot… This is the stupedist game ever!’

You take a swig of coffee and smile faintly… A shark leaping out of the water and eating a plane… A PLANE! What a ridiculous ide-

Hold on a minute… That’s not too bad.

Of course, Kid 2 is right… It would have to be some kind of MEGA shark. A relic, frozen in ice… Unleashed somehow to terrorise the World! Hmm… What could release him?

Global warming? Done…

Earthquake? Done…

Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson in a tiny CGI submarine dodging a pod of whales who are freaking out because of a top secret government sonar experiment? Hmm… Maybe… Just maybe…

The whales could crash into an iceberg where this beast has been frozen for millions of years… Then, Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson could think she sees a giant shark swim away… Because, you know, being a MEGA shark it doesn’t need time to thaw out or get its bearings. No sir, before you can say ‘Electric Youth!’ it’s full steam ahead for terror as that MEGA shark makes for the nearest passenger jet…

Juicy stuff…

But… Hold on now… Who are we kidding here? A film cannot thrive on a plane eating giant shark and Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson alone. That’s crazy… And besides, what about the film YOU, THE ARTIST imagined… Remember? The tender love story of two marine scientists, an American woman and a Japanese man, whose love defies cultural stereotypes and travels the ocean just like the GIANT OIL RIG EATING OCTOPUS they are trying to ensnare.

Wait…

What if there were some way to fuse these ideas together… What if the two beasts were frozen TOGETHER? Locked in combat… Waiting… Just waiting for Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson and her freaked out whales to release them…

Oh yeah, that works… Then you can lend the whole thing gravitas by imagining that they are destined to be together just like your marine biologist leads… Oh man, this is GOLD!

And so Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus is born… Really, it writes itself… You are simply the conduit through which this epic must pass. Can’t work out why two giant sea creatures would ever come close enough to shore to menace people… Lure them in with pheromones! You know, in a bid to capture them… Obviously. Then the Mega Shark can eat the Golden Gate Bridge! Sweet… Can’t work out why we don’t just blow them to hell? Simple… They’re wiley. And bullet proof. Duh! Can’t work out how Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson might defeat these beasts? Easy… Get them together and let them fight one another to the (conveniently mutual) death… Viola!

Hell… Any holes in the script will be masked by top notch effects work and quality acting, right?

Right..?

Ladies and Gentleman, I give to you… Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus!

Is it too soon to whisper Oscar?

The Condition Of My Nads...

I know what you're wondering... What exactly has been pumping my nads recently?

Let me tell you...

If you'd forgotten this magic piece of animated goodness then SHAME ON YOU! Tim Burton clearly hasn't... And nor have the good people of Warner Bros. who are currently planning a CGWHY remake.

It's well covered on other blogs, so I won't go into detail about plot and cast but know this... It's a great, great, GREAT way to spend a rainy afternoon and should even re-ignite the love of classic monster movies that Van Helsing and the recent Wolfman remake may have... Quelled slightly... Dive in and enjoy before Creature From The Black Lagoon gets 're-imagined' (or raped, as we like to call it) and the remake sullies the good memory of this little gem.

Also, you may find yourself curiously attracted to the red headed female lead... And she doesn't even get nekked Mr Zombie! That's quality horror themed animation, right there!

Moving on...

Or... 'That Movie Your Neighbour Kept Telling You Was Really Awesome But You Can't Really Understand All The Fuss'.

People, this movie was okay. Okay. Read that word again and think about it.

Okay.

I look forward to the South Park spoof and vaguely remember the film (I watched it last night...). I can only assume that everyone who had the shit scared out of them by this has never read a Shirley Jackson book or even bothered to watch that many supernatural movies.

My nads remained unmoved by this one... But I may come back to it for another view and enjoy it more.

Or I might watch...

Yep... 2012. A movie SO epic that I had to update the firmware on my Blu-Ray player just to NAVIGATE THE MENU SCREEN!

It was immense!

It was stupid!

It was the same action sequences repeated over and over (WHAT WILL JOHN CUSACK JUMP OVER NEXT?! AND WHICH VEHICLE WILL HE USE?! HOW MANY PLANES CAN OUTRUN AN EXPLOSION AFTER TAKING OFF FROM A CRUMBLING RUNWAY?!!!!!!!!!!!).

It then turned into a sort of watered down Battlestar Galactica... With Giraffes! And an Elephant hanging from a helicopter!!!

On the downside, it was as dumb as a bag of rubber cocks and (once again) we see that electing a black president is (according to Hollywood) a sure fire way to ensure the end of days (seriously, I know the studio's think the black president card is a great way to make the movie hit ALL the demographics but name one move where the black president isn't facing the end of the world or a nuclear crisis...). I can only assume that mankind stood any kind of chance in this movie because the man in question was... Well, a man. If it had been a black, female president then surely the world would just have combusted with no warning and we all would have died outright.

Great apocalypse guys... But maybe next time we can let a white president lead us all to our deaths? Not Bill Pullman though... He's a cool guy and probably would have saved the world. Some other white dude will do... Lord knows we've got plenty to choose from.

Still... I was drunk and did really enjoy this one.

Shame on me.