Stakes Is High

If you were to replace the word 'vampire' with 'zombie' and the word 'bleak' with 'humorous' then the poorly constructed review that follows could well be about the curiously over lauded 'laugh riot' known as Zombieland.

It's not... That movie did very well for itself and has little to no need for some no name Tiki Artist slash Genre Movie Blogger such as myself to spread the good word on it's mainstream pleasing merits, especially as you probably all already own the aforementioned movie on DVD and Blu Ray and like to bring it up on first dates with 'hip' people (they have horn rimmed glasses, sailor tattoos and perhaps even a niece named Amelie) you are hoping to impress with your own innate coolness. This, however, is a rookie mistake... If you really want to impress them then point out that the guy who did the voice the voice for Peter Venkman in The Real Ghostbusters cartoon was the same fellow who did the voice for Garfield in the animated series. Bill Murray was Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters and then the voice of Garfield in the live action moves... Cinematic mesh!

Sweet, sweet loving is guaranteed*!

*Sweet, sweet loving is in NO way guaranteed.

In no way Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg (that dude from The Social Network)

Good luck with that... I doubt very much that a working knowledge of Zombieland or Bill Murray trivia is ever going to get you into anyone's pants. Try learning quotes from The Breakfast Club (eighties teen flicks are so hot right now).

No dear (celibate) reader, this poorly constructed but mercifully brief review/opinion is about the bleak vampire movie called Stake Land, a film that succeeds taking the sparkle out of a genre that has had its teeth unceremoniously removed by the cult of Twilight (a pop culture phenomenon I find so morally offensive that I can barely put it into words and one that I hold solely responsible for the Abercrombie & Fitch-ing of every possible horror related release of recent times, including the forthcoming reboot of The Howling). It takes the better aspects of the zombie genre and applies them to the 'Hot Topic' addled vampire genre to create a film that is fairly unto itself in this modern cinema age (although pleasantly familiar to anyone who grew up in the golden age of VHS fare and was treated to EVERY possible combination of classic monster variant inhabiting post apocalyptic wasteland scenario imaginable, primarily because it was dirt cheap to film... Hell Comes To Frogtown anyone? Anyone..?).

Stake Land is a gritty, no nonsense, no budget affair set in a VHS friendly (although very compelling to this thirty something DVD viewer) apocalyptic world over run with vampires that serves as the perfect antidote to all of the over buffed, over posturing, under written and CGI infested wish fulfilment that has muddied the horror waters of late. These vampires are feral, dirty and animalistic, not dissimilar to the antagonists of the often maligned 30 Days Of Night but minus that last shred of relatable humanity that they possessed. They have no comraderie or awareness of their state to make them as appealing as Kathryn Bigelow's affectionately sketched and portrayed vampires in Near Dark. They are victims of a viral disease (rather than the affections of a hundred and something year old man creature that hangs around high schools, looking for love in all the wrong places) and are never presented as anything other than predators and a very real, relentless physical threat to our lead characters.

Team Edward?

And so to the gripe...

It is with these aforementioned lead characters that Stake Land makes a minor rod for it's own back. As with the Zombie/Micro-budget genre it borrows from, this film spends a lot of time on the road with an ever expanding/shrinking group of characters, all searching for that elusive safe zone that they have heard about. 

Sound familiar?

Some of these characters are a lot more interesting than others (a shockingly old looking Kelly McGillis turns in a pretty decent turn as what must be THE most badass and frequently raped nun in the history of cinema), some exist solely to get killed (hey there Superfluous Black Guy Character and look, you brought Doomed Pregnant Chick with you too!) whilst others are more delicately drawn and almost allowed room to grow amidst the chaos.

Sound familiar?

Again, as with the Zombie genre, we are treated to a slightly laboured 'who are the real monsters here' sub plot involving a religious cult who try to use the vampires to ethnically cleanse the world but such is the curse of having a silent primary villain... Someone's got to reel off the bad guy dialogue (and drop Vampires out of helicopters into uninfected areas).

How about that, does that sound familiar (other than the kickass dropping vampires out of helicopters bit)?

Of course it does... You are, after all, a visually literate fan of films and have seen these archetypes in many, many, MANY films before.

So, yes... Stake Land is ultimately derivative but it also brings enough new material and fresh concepts to the table to shirk the narrative curse of the traditional or post Twilight vampire flick... It becomes a movie unto itself in execution, dedication to its concept and lean narrative and one that is well worth the investment of your time and money.

The vampire movie lives to fight another day.

Fuck you Stephenie Meyer!