Double Dekker

If this was one of those cool, indie movies that I see being promoted on the internet and so on, this post would end with Fred Dekker directing a scene from the franchise slaughtering threequel, 'Robocop 3'.

The camera would linger on his lined face as a moment of sadness flickered across his jaded brow... Sure, Robocop was a hoot. Hell, even the much maligned Robocop 2 was a great way to pass a rainy afternoon. But this... This generous slice of misguided ass is an affront to thirteen year old gorehounds everywhere. Where's the wit? Where's the invention? Where's the dad from 'That 70's Show'? Where are the BASTARD GOOD BITS?!

But hey... What the Robohell do thirteen year old kids know about mortgages? Because, as we thirty something gorehounds know all to well, those things don't pay themselves. So, the kids can go and Robofuck themselves and we'll just get on with earning our keep.

With a deep sigh and a swift glance at his repayment schedule, Dekker raises a viewfinder to his eye and calls out to that actor in the poorly constructed Robocostume (who isn't Peter Weller)... 'Thrill me!'

We, the audience, see Dekker's POV as the viewfinder rises... Except... What we see as the lens meets his jaded eye is not the low, low, low budget Atlanta sets of early nineties 'Robocop 3'... It seems to be the mid eighties and an entirely different movie is being made...

CUE FLASHBACK MUSIC!



BAM!

Meet young Fred Dekker on the set of outstanding genre bender 'Night Of The Creeps'!

Clutched eagerly in his young hands is a script he has written (allegedly in two weeks), one that fuses elements of 1950's B-Movie goodness with 1980's horror sensibilities. It's dumb, it's cheap, it has incredible 80's sweaters, it has boobs, it has exploding heads, it has brain controlling slugs from another world, it has zombies, it has the tagline 'The Good News Is Your Dates Are Here... The Bad News Is, They're Dead!'

Holy crap Dekker! This could be a masterpiece...

It's a self referential wink to the Sci-Fi and Horror genres that lets you know that it's in on the joke... It has enough good stuff to keep you in the story but plenty of narrative winks to camera to make you aware that you shouldn't be taking this too seriously (although naming ALL of your characters after famous horror directors might be taking things a little too far Mr Dekker). All this a clean decade before 'Scream' repeated the same joke (minus the Astro Zombies) and became a household name (although, naming ALL of your characters after famous horror directors might be taking things a little too far Mr Craven) and a clean twenty years before the film was (sort of) remade as 'Slither' with equally appalling box office results.

Of course, young Fred Dekker doesn't know that this film is going to tank at the box office yet... He's still busy putting together an hour and twenty minutes of gooey, delirious fun... Part 'Revenge Of The Nerds', part 'Night Of The Living Dead', part 'Invasion Of The Body Snatchers' but with added zombie Cats and undead Dogs. His love for movies is infectious and - even when the film misses it's mark or repeats a catch phrase once too often - you're going to get swept along for the ride.

There's no way of knowing why this one will fail to take off at the cinema. It will be released at a period of cinema history where insane genre hybrids are taking over... 'Big Trouble In Little China', 'Ghostbusters', 'Gremlins' and a host of other movies are all setting the tills ringing and tongues wagging with their fusing of modern effects and attitudes with affectionate and knowing nods to genres past.

Perhaps 'Night Of The Creeps' will just get lost in the stampede.

Perhaps it is a joke aimed exclusively at a generation who grew up watching the source material on VHS and DVD and new fangled Blu-Ray... A generation who don't actually exist when Dekker sees his film underpromoted and given short shrift by the studio that bank rolled it. A generation who will have to wait an age to finally see 'Night Of The Creeps' on those same formats when word of mouth and fan demand finally get it the release it deserves.

So, young Fred Dekker will just have to wait twenty five years for his film to find its audience... As it turns out, the delirious melting pot of ideas needs time to cook down and 'Night Of The Creeps' has to become part of the lexicon of films that it refers to before it can be fully appreciated. It has to become what it mimicked... A near forgotten B-Movie gem that gets promoted by word of mouth, best viewed with friends at a late hour, rum in hand and tongue in cheek.

Wow... Deep stuff!

Of course, young Fred Dekker has no idea of this as the Assistant Director appears beside him to let him know that the Zombie Dog puppet is ready for its close up. This Fred Dekker smiles a smile full of hope and raises his view finder to his eye...

CUE FLASHFORWARD MUSIC!

And we're back in the present (because for jaded Fred Dekker, 1989 is the present... Not the present that we know as 2010).

The Assistant Director of 'Robocop 3' has just finished telling him that the Robot Ninja puppet is ready for its close up and Fred has gone to inspect the set up, reluctantly dragging his forlorn mass towards the cheaply assembled latex disaster that passes for an effect in this Roboclusterfuck of a production, sighing the deep sigh of a film maker who has reached the lowest rung of his craft, his shoulders slumping limply on a set so bad that you can all but hear the porn being filmed next door.

Time to take another glance at that mortgage repayment schedule and, lest we forget, factor in those alimony bills.

And yet... As jaded Fred Dekker gazes upon this Robopuppetpieceofshit his face changes, becoming almost... Younger! Delighted! Enthused in a way that suggests he had been given money by a major studio to hire Stan Winston to 're-imagine' the classic Universal Monsters and was now being shown the work for the first time...

The light changes to become brighter, the Roboporn set fading to reveal something more thrilling and macabre... It seems to be the mid eighties and an entirely different movie is being made...

CUE FLASHBACK MUSIC!



BAM!

Meet middle Fred Dekker on the set of outstanding genre bender 'The Monster Squad'!

We learn two things instantly about middle Fred Dekker... Firstly, he LOVES genre cinema enough to risk putting a spin on it again a mere year after seeing his first effort fail and, secondly, he was more of an 'Explorers' guy than a 'Goonies' guy.

How do we know this?

'The Monster Squad' is one of those movies for kids that only seemed to get made in the eighties... It's a bit violent, has some swearing, some casual misogyny, some smoking and, perhaps most important of all, assumes that children aren't drooling retards with no awareness of either the cinematic world OR the real world. The middle Fred Dekker has seen the post 'E.T.' signs on the wall... He knows that kids fare is going to get a 'little' anodyne as the years progress, with each new studio offering becoming a self contained mission in merchandising that offers no window into imagination or the world around the viewer. Sure, the odd 'Monster House' will crop up but... The days of 'Explorers' and 'Flight Of The Navigator's are soon to be a distant memory, buried beneath the mooing mass of the annual Summer Cash Cow stampede.

Or something along those lines.

So, having done the gooey fifties B-Movie stuff, middle Fred Dekker decides to raid his beloved Universal Monster back catalogue, splice it with a 'Stand By Me' style coming-of-age yarn, toss in some implied nudity (this IS a kids film, after all, a glimpse of horrific mid eighties underwear will suffice) and see what flavours that crazy Gumbo throws up...

Holy crap Dekker! This could be a masterpiece... With nards!

It's a loving wink to the great monsters of cinema past that directly invites the youth of today (yesterday?) to embrace these icons and find them enthralling and perhaps even menacing again... It has enough good stuff to keep you in the story but plenty of narrative winks to camera to make you aware that you shouldn't be taking this too seriously (wait now, this is all sounding VERY familiar). Dracula, The Wolfman, The Mummy, The 'Swamp Creature' and Frankenstein's Monster are all present and correct, reinvented for a new generation of movie goer and treated with a respect and reverence that is sorely lacking from more recent attempts to revive their legends. Every rule is respected (it's Frankenstein's Monster people!), every characteristic put on screen, every creature given it's moment and then pitted against a group of children who respect (and love) these creatures rather than an Abbot and Costello-esque mockery of them.

Of course, middle Fred Dekker doesn't know that this film is going to tank at the box office yet... He's still busy putting together an hour and thirty minutes of monster loving, gloriously quotable fun... It is, in essence, the very embodiment of eighties family fare but with upped quotas of clashing families, outstanding prosthetics work and endless Virgin jokes. His love for the movies that gave us genre cinema is infectious and - even when the film misses it's mark or steps over the line from kids film into something a little too off colour - you're going to get swept along for the ride.

There's no way of knowing why this one will fail to take off at the cinema but the signs are there... It will be released at a period of cinema where cinema tastes are beginning to shift... 'A Nightmare On Elm Street', 'Friday The 13th' and a host of other movies are all out to reshape the landscape of teen horror with their fusing of modern effects and attitudes with a keen sense of morality buried beneath the tides of nubile teens being slaughtered.

Perhaps 'The Monster Squad' will just get overlooked for it's pleasing amorality and slavish devotion to horror icons of a period that suddenly looks extremely quaint to the newly jaded eyes of its intended audience.

Perhaps it is too knowing... Perhaps it will be the cruel lack of merchandising... This is, after all, a film aimed at a generation who have grown up post 'Star Wars', a generation who seem to require (by default) a series of action figures, lunch boxes and ZX Spectrum games in order to feel a film is worthy of their attention. 'The Monster Squad' has none of these when Dekker sees his film underpromoted and given short shrift by the studio that bank rolled it.

So, middle Fred Dekker will just have to wait twenty years for his film to find its audience... As it turns out, the delirious melting pot of ideas needs time for its intended audience to grow up a little, work their way backwards from his offering to the material it draws from and then revisit his tremendous movie before 'The Monster Squad' can truly be appreciated as the 'thinking mans Goonies'. There are still no toys, no games and no studio manipulated internet nostalgia... It stands alone as a forgotten B-Movie gem that gets promoted by word of mouth, best viewed with friends at a late hour, rum in hand and tongue in cheek.

Of course, middle Fred Dekker has no idea of this as the Assistant Director appears beside him to let him know that the producers have a problem with the line 'The Wolfman's got nards!'. This Fred Dekker smiles a smile full of wry humour and raises his view finder to his eye...

CUE FLASHFORWARD MUSIC!

But wait...

Is jaded Fred Dekker is still smiling fondly?

How..? How can he still be smiling when it has all come to this?!

Because he's known what was happening all along! He's known exactly how it would play out twenty five years later and we've fallen into the clutches of his masterplan!!!

Sure, this Robocesspit of a movie will pay the bills. It will also sit on the dusty shelves of the studio for three years before being unceremoniously released and then dumped onto the new, fangled DVD format and quickly forgotten. No one will care... No one will remember it for anything other than a slew of awful Super Nintendo games and poorly sculpted action figures. Meanwhile, 'Night Of The Creeps' and 'The Monster Squad' will begin to pick up interest... Slowly and inexorably, these movies will generate hushed conversation and demand for a DVD release will begin to swell...

Jaded Fred Dekker knew that one day, far into the future, the viewers who shunned him would find these films on a format that didn't even exist as yet and his love letters to genre cinema of the past would finally reach their audience. Would his films be responisble for this renewed interest in the monsters and nightmares of cinema past or just lucky passengers on the wave of nostalgia? Who knows... All that matters is that they're finally back where they belong; in the loving hands and on the mammoth television screens of film nerds everywhere.

Jaded Fred Dekker smiles and slowly turns to face the waiting crew of 'Robocop 3', two simple words from his mouth spurring them back into action:

'Thrill me!'

I Sell The Dead That Make The Whole World Sing...

So... After being stung for a hard earned £20 to watch the Dog Egg that was the Nightmare On Elm Street remake, I turned to the internet to find some Blu Ray bargains. In my neck of the woods, Blu Ray purchases can only be made at HMV or Blockbuster where bountiful discounted copies of 'Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel', 'The Hangover' and 'Gamer' flood the shelves, so nuggets of joy that didn't show at the local Odeon have to be bought online.

Shocking, I know.

Long gone are the days where a good root through the movie section of a high street store uncovered hidden gems (unless you consider ANOTHER spurious sequel to 'Bring It On' to be a hidden gem. Which I do. But that's another story for another time...).

Long story short, I was actually looking for 'The Host' on Blu Ray after a cracking review of the lovingly remastered Hi-Def Disc emerged on a blog I like to read during the arduous trip to work each day (The Basement Of Ghoulish Decadence). Any excuse to watch 'The Host' again is fine by me... But imagine my barely contained joy when nestled alongside it was 'I Sell The Dead' for a price SO reasonable that it would have been an insult to pass it by.

Thank you Tesco Direct... I haven't loved you this much since you stopped using Jane Horrocks in your advertising.

Now, 'I Sell The Dead' is a movie that you hear a lot about... Provided you read a lot of horror movie blogs or have interesting friends (or uninteresting friends who happen to read a lot of horror blogs... I don't judge). It is, however, a film that far too many people do not know about. As in, they will stare blankly when you mention that you watched it and then counter with the amazing anecdote of the time they watched 'The Final Destination'... In 3D... And nearly crapped themselves. Awkward smiles abound and then you all move on to another topic of conversation (although, I do own 'The Final Destination', but that is simply because I own the other films in the series and I'm an anal retentive like that... It's the whole 'Bring It On' thing all over again, minus Solange Knowles).

Much like the curiously maligned remake of 'The Wolfman', this is a film that loves the golden age of Hammer Horror (and has seen 'Dead & Breakfast'...). However, it is also a film that has read some nifty comic books and seen some quality television. It knows roughly where it's headed and has no intention of helping anyone along the path it has chosen to take. In short, if you are a cinematic Shelly Winters, this Gene Hackman isn't going to help your lardy movie ass to the bow of The Poseidon. It is a basic skeleton of a plot (grave robbers realise that people will pay more for more the living dead that the stone cold dead and high jinks ensue) that serves to pepper the screen with visual oddities and scattershot ideas that somehow don't feel too smug or disjointed or reference any of the 'must refer to' movies of recent times.

It also manages to remind you that anyone who isn't Tim Burton can make a half decent Tim Burton film these days... Yeah, that's right... Fuck 'Alice In Wonderland'! Lookit Tim, I saw 'Return To Oz' when it came out at the cinema and, even though Faruza Balk gives me the screaming fear (SO... MUCH... GUM!) it was STILL a much better version of your crappy offering! Make another Ed Wood or piss off.

Right... Where was I?

Oh, okay... It's a goofy sort of film that will grate on your nerves for about five to ten minutes as it sets up it's tone and characters (badly) before suddenly sucking you into it's, frankly, bonkers mish-mash of ideas and nicely ballanced CGI/Practical Effect visuals that whisk it along through its brief running time. Had it been cast with Johnny Depp and (Insert Prett Boy Flavour De Jour Here) then it would have been a fair hit at the cinema and have a nice poster quote from Elle and Heat magazines giving it four stars. It doesn't... And is all the better for it.

There's not too much to say about 'I Sell The Dead' that won't sort of dilute the WTF? pleasure of seeing it on a rainy afternoon. It's like having a ten year old tell you a joke that actually makes you laugh... You start off being polite to respect the effort being made to entertain you but, somewhere along the line, you end up being genuinely entertained... Plus which, it will cost you a charming smile and a pebble to pick up a copy on either DVD or Blu Ray (I can't imagine there being a huge difference in picture quality).

Pick it up, watch it, enjoy it, wonder why it never got the cinema release it deserved... Then brace yourself for a LOT of conversations about 'The Final Destination'.