The Splice Is Right

Alright everyone, show of hands... Who's seen this movie?



Yeah, that's right... It's 'Cube', or 'The Thinking Man's Saw' as it also known around some parts (those parts, in this case, being My House... Don't look for it on Google Maps, you won't find it).

It was a cerebral little puzzle box of a film that managed to be really quite unpleasant without ever really wallowing in it's gorier moments, an intelligent Sci Fi/Horror hybrid that smelt a little bit like a throwback to times past simply by virtue of it's steady pace and slightly lofty ambitions. It also benefited from being released around the time that DVD came to the fore and was, for a short time, one of those films that EVERYONE who was interested in the new format owned (the others being 'Dark City', 'Shadow Of The Vampire' and 'Bring It On'... Yeah, look at your DVD shelf, you know they're on there somewhere) simply because it was one of very few titles available.

The point is this... You have almost certainly seen 'Cube'. You may even have seen 'Cube 2: Hypercube' or 'Cube 0' (because back then, you HAD to have a prequel with a zero in the title, although the trend for inserting the word 'Hyper' into a sequel title never took off... Shame, I could quite go for 'Ring 2: Hypering' or even 'Sniper 2: Hypersniper'). Thanks to the new format, a lot of people got to see a very decent movie that would have otherwise slipped under the radar (and 'Bring It On' got to have no less than three sequels and will probably spawn a 'Bring It On Zero: Hyperbringiton 3D' by the time this goes to press).

And, finally, we get to the point:

Having seen 'Cube', you would imagine that it's director - Vincenzo Natali - would go on to make something equally ambitious... A genre piece with something intelligent to say that lingers in the memory long after the credits roll.

You'd be right too...

But someone didn't want you to know that:

I know what you're thinking...

"It looks like the bald chick from 'Star Trek: The Motion Picture' has been invited to pose for the cover of GQ and some joker in the editing room has gotten bored and drawn a penis tail on her with his free photo editing software. You know, for shits and giggles."

I thought exactly the same thing! Weird...

It is, however, the poster for 'Splice' which - according to the adverts and press releases -appears to be a horror film about a creature that is grown in a lab and matures into a sexually aggressive creature who happens to look a lot like a naked woman.

Again, I know what you're thinking...

Yeah, I thought the same thing... And given that the above movie is affectionately known as 'Feces' around these parts, that's not really a connection you want to make.

We're talking about a film that was actually dull enough that I have not seen all three of the sequels (and bear in mind that I have seen all three of the 'Bring It On' sequels, more than once in some cases), a film that I will actively turn off when it comes onto cable (and bear in mind that I have left 'Jaws: The Revenge' playing when it has the nerve to show up on the late night schedule).

It's not that I don't care for a stupid Sci-Fi yarn or enjoy the odd by the numbers thriller but 'Species' plays out more like a bad 'woman as predator' soft porn movie with delusions of grandeur and a double ration of boobs as plot point but minus the soft funk soundtrack. Ultimately, however, it suffers from the one fatal flaw for which I just can't forgive any movie, whatever the genre...

It's dull.

In an effort to trick the casual viewer into thinking that the movie might be slightly more interesting than my considered synopsis makes it sound, someone 'cleverly' decided to play up the horror angle and focus on the fact that the creature is not only an actual, you know, creature (as opposed to just being a charming naked lady with large bosoms) but is also designed by H.R. Giger... You know, the dude who did 'Alien'! So come on people, get psyched for this movie too because it has a direct link to a bona fide classic of the Horror/Sci-Fi genres, an actual well regarded piece of cinema that spawned a genuinely iconic creature!

So, gone are the lurid, early nineties colours and weak Photoshopping of a naked woman and instead we are presented with this:

Hot Damn!

Of course, the film it's advertising has very little to do with the above image... The original poster is a much more honest representation of what you're going to get. This poster has a lot more to do the themes and tones of, say, a movie like 'Splice'... Something that has the trappings of a good monster movie but uses them to convey a story that has more to do with the human elements at play.

Which is, I imagine, why we also have this poster:


Now, I'm no market analyst but I think I might be beginning to see where those in charge of getting 'Splice' out to it's ideal audience may have (ever so slightly) missed the mark.

You see, it's actually a semi cerebral example of a film that manages to be really quite unpleasant without ever really wallowing in it's gorier moments, an intelligent Sci Fi/Horror hybrid that smells a little bit like a throwback to times past simply by virtue of it's steady pace and slightly lofty ambitions. Sound familiar? Of course it does, this is a film by the man who made 'Cube'. It doesn't matter that it has a plot twist that is clearly sign posted early on, it doesn't matter that the 'shocking' creator/creation sex scene is common knowledge (there is a far more unpleasant moment that follows anyway), what matters in 'Splice' is how we get there... Not how many shots of a conveniently hot alien's boobs we can squeeze in before we have to blow her up.

It's by no means a perfect film: The pace is a little bit languid at times, the message is a little heavy handed and naming your two central characters after lead actors from 'The Bride Of Frankenstein' is almost certainly a step too far. However, these are also all trappings of the films that it seeks to emulate; those great, preachy creature features that ran amok during the 30's and 40's... One's that almost certainly have a character give a warning about 'man's place in the scheme of things' and how we shouldn't 'play god', films that always had to somehow dispose of their creature in a finale that felt like an afterthought to the tense, measured build up. Now add to that central performances that are almost good enough to make me forget how much I object to Adrian Brody and effects work that is actually really nicely handled and suitably biological/feasibly disgusting without ever detracting from the core of the story.

I ask you, does this sound like a film you want to see if you're a card carrying fan of the 'Species' series?

That's what I thought.

So why advertise it as though it were a semi remake and be shocked when your target demographic of 16 to 35 year old males is left cold by the thespian stylings of Adrian Brody and Sarah Polley and a brief shot of (small) breasts?

Much like the vastly underrated 'Fido' before it, 'Splice' plays out like one of the better episodes from the 'Masters Of Horror' series and may well have benefited from being a television one off rather than a theatrical release... How you react to that statement will probably determine how much enjoyment you glean from this surprisingly old fashioned morality tale, but believe me when I say that it is a compliment.

Fortunately for Vincenzo Natali, 'Splice' has arrived just as Blu Ray is finally beginning to find it's feet. Perhaps it's availability and high quality presentation on the new(ish) format will help this great little film to find the same audience that 'Cube' managed to amass on DVD, the one that it deserves as opposed to the one it was advertised to.