The Splice Is Right

Alright everyone, show of hands... Who's seen this movie?



Yeah, that's right... It's 'Cube', or 'The Thinking Man's Saw' as it also known around some parts (those parts, in this case, being My House... Don't look for it on Google Maps, you won't find it).

It was a cerebral little puzzle box of a film that managed to be really quite unpleasant without ever really wallowing in it's gorier moments, an intelligent Sci Fi/Horror hybrid that smelt a little bit like a throwback to times past simply by virtue of it's steady pace and slightly lofty ambitions. It also benefited from being released around the time that DVD came to the fore and was, for a short time, one of those films that EVERYONE who was interested in the new format owned (the others being 'Dark City', 'Shadow Of The Vampire' and 'Bring It On'... Yeah, look at your DVD shelf, you know they're on there somewhere) simply because it was one of very few titles available.

The point is this... You have almost certainly seen 'Cube'. You may even have seen 'Cube 2: Hypercube' or 'Cube 0' (because back then, you HAD to have a prequel with a zero in the title, although the trend for inserting the word 'Hyper' into a sequel title never took off... Shame, I could quite go for 'Ring 2: Hypering' or even 'Sniper 2: Hypersniper'). Thanks to the new format, a lot of people got to see a very decent movie that would have otherwise slipped under the radar (and 'Bring It On' got to have no less than three sequels and will probably spawn a 'Bring It On Zero: Hyperbringiton 3D' by the time this goes to press).

And, finally, we get to the point:

Having seen 'Cube', you would imagine that it's director - Vincenzo Natali - would go on to make something equally ambitious... A genre piece with something intelligent to say that lingers in the memory long after the credits roll.

You'd be right too...

But someone didn't want you to know that:

I know what you're thinking...

"It looks like the bald chick from 'Star Trek: The Motion Picture' has been invited to pose for the cover of GQ and some joker in the editing room has gotten bored and drawn a penis tail on her with his free photo editing software. You know, for shits and giggles."

I thought exactly the same thing! Weird...

It is, however, the poster for 'Splice' which - according to the adverts and press releases -appears to be a horror film about a creature that is grown in a lab and matures into a sexually aggressive creature who happens to look a lot like a naked woman.

Again, I know what you're thinking...

Yeah, I thought the same thing... And given that the above movie is affectionately known as 'Feces' around these parts, that's not really a connection you want to make.

We're talking about a film that was actually dull enough that I have not seen all three of the sequels (and bear in mind that I have seen all three of the 'Bring It On' sequels, more than once in some cases), a film that I will actively turn off when it comes onto cable (and bear in mind that I have left 'Jaws: The Revenge' playing when it has the nerve to show up on the late night schedule).

It's not that I don't care for a stupid Sci-Fi yarn or enjoy the odd by the numbers thriller but 'Species' plays out more like a bad 'woman as predator' soft porn movie with delusions of grandeur and a double ration of boobs as plot point but minus the soft funk soundtrack. Ultimately, however, it suffers from the one fatal flaw for which I just can't forgive any movie, whatever the genre...

It's dull.

In an effort to trick the casual viewer into thinking that the movie might be slightly more interesting than my considered synopsis makes it sound, someone 'cleverly' decided to play up the horror angle and focus on the fact that the creature is not only an actual, you know, creature (as opposed to just being a charming naked lady with large bosoms) but is also designed by H.R. Giger... You know, the dude who did 'Alien'! So come on people, get psyched for this movie too because it has a direct link to a bona fide classic of the Horror/Sci-Fi genres, an actual well regarded piece of cinema that spawned a genuinely iconic creature!

So, gone are the lurid, early nineties colours and weak Photoshopping of a naked woman and instead we are presented with this:

Hot Damn!

Of course, the film it's advertising has very little to do with the above image... The original poster is a much more honest representation of what you're going to get. This poster has a lot more to do the themes and tones of, say, a movie like 'Splice'... Something that has the trappings of a good monster movie but uses them to convey a story that has more to do with the human elements at play.

Which is, I imagine, why we also have this poster:


Now, I'm no market analyst but I think I might be beginning to see where those in charge of getting 'Splice' out to it's ideal audience may have (ever so slightly) missed the mark.

You see, it's actually a semi cerebral example of a film that manages to be really quite unpleasant without ever really wallowing in it's gorier moments, an intelligent Sci Fi/Horror hybrid that smells a little bit like a throwback to times past simply by virtue of it's steady pace and slightly lofty ambitions. Sound familiar? Of course it does, this is a film by the man who made 'Cube'. It doesn't matter that it has a plot twist that is clearly sign posted early on, it doesn't matter that the 'shocking' creator/creation sex scene is common knowledge (there is a far more unpleasant moment that follows anyway), what matters in 'Splice' is how we get there... Not how many shots of a conveniently hot alien's boobs we can squeeze in before we have to blow her up.

It's by no means a perfect film: The pace is a little bit languid at times, the message is a little heavy handed and naming your two central characters after lead actors from 'The Bride Of Frankenstein' is almost certainly a step too far. However, these are also all trappings of the films that it seeks to emulate; those great, preachy creature features that ran amok during the 30's and 40's... One's that almost certainly have a character give a warning about 'man's place in the scheme of things' and how we shouldn't 'play god', films that always had to somehow dispose of their creature in a finale that felt like an afterthought to the tense, measured build up. Now add to that central performances that are almost good enough to make me forget how much I object to Adrian Brody and effects work that is actually really nicely handled and suitably biological/feasibly disgusting without ever detracting from the core of the story.

I ask you, does this sound like a film you want to see if you're a card carrying fan of the 'Species' series?

That's what I thought.

So why advertise it as though it were a semi remake and be shocked when your target demographic of 16 to 35 year old males is left cold by the thespian stylings of Adrian Brody and Sarah Polley and a brief shot of (small) breasts?

Much like the vastly underrated 'Fido' before it, 'Splice' plays out like one of the better episodes from the 'Masters Of Horror' series and may well have benefited from being a television one off rather than a theatrical release... How you react to that statement will probably determine how much enjoyment you glean from this surprisingly old fashioned morality tale, but believe me when I say that it is a compliment.

Fortunately for Vincenzo Natali, 'Splice' has arrived just as Blu Ray is finally beginning to find it's feet. Perhaps it's availability and high quality presentation on the new(ish) format will help this great little film to find the same audience that 'Cube' managed to amass on DVD, the one that it deserves as opposed to the one it was advertised to.

Double Dekker

If this was one of those cool, indie movies that I see being promoted on the internet and so on, this post would end with Fred Dekker directing a scene from the franchise slaughtering threequel, 'Robocop 3'.

The camera would linger on his lined face as a moment of sadness flickered across his jaded brow... Sure, Robocop was a hoot. Hell, even the much maligned Robocop 2 was a great way to pass a rainy afternoon. But this... This generous slice of misguided ass is an affront to thirteen year old gorehounds everywhere. Where's the wit? Where's the invention? Where's the dad from 'That 70's Show'? Where are the BASTARD GOOD BITS?!

But hey... What the Robohell do thirteen year old kids know about mortgages? Because, as we thirty something gorehounds know all to well, those things don't pay themselves. So, the kids can go and Robofuck themselves and we'll just get on with earning our keep.

With a deep sigh and a swift glance at his repayment schedule, Dekker raises a viewfinder to his eye and calls out to that actor in the poorly constructed Robocostume (who isn't Peter Weller)... 'Thrill me!'

We, the audience, see Dekker's POV as the viewfinder rises... Except... What we see as the lens meets his jaded eye is not the low, low, low budget Atlanta sets of early nineties 'Robocop 3'... It seems to be the mid eighties and an entirely different movie is being made...

CUE FLASHBACK MUSIC!



BAM!

Meet young Fred Dekker on the set of outstanding genre bender 'Night Of The Creeps'!

Clutched eagerly in his young hands is a script he has written (allegedly in two weeks), one that fuses elements of 1950's B-Movie goodness with 1980's horror sensibilities. It's dumb, it's cheap, it has incredible 80's sweaters, it has boobs, it has exploding heads, it has brain controlling slugs from another world, it has zombies, it has the tagline 'The Good News Is Your Dates Are Here... The Bad News Is, They're Dead!'

Holy crap Dekker! This could be a masterpiece...

It's a self referential wink to the Sci-Fi and Horror genres that lets you know that it's in on the joke... It has enough good stuff to keep you in the story but plenty of narrative winks to camera to make you aware that you shouldn't be taking this too seriously (although naming ALL of your characters after famous horror directors might be taking things a little too far Mr Dekker). All this a clean decade before 'Scream' repeated the same joke (minus the Astro Zombies) and became a household name (although, naming ALL of your characters after famous horror directors might be taking things a little too far Mr Craven) and a clean twenty years before the film was (sort of) remade as 'Slither' with equally appalling box office results.

Of course, young Fred Dekker doesn't know that this film is going to tank at the box office yet... He's still busy putting together an hour and twenty minutes of gooey, delirious fun... Part 'Revenge Of The Nerds', part 'Night Of The Living Dead', part 'Invasion Of The Body Snatchers' but with added zombie Cats and undead Dogs. His love for movies is infectious and - even when the film misses it's mark or repeats a catch phrase once too often - you're going to get swept along for the ride.

There's no way of knowing why this one will fail to take off at the cinema. It will be released at a period of cinema history where insane genre hybrids are taking over... 'Big Trouble In Little China', 'Ghostbusters', 'Gremlins' and a host of other movies are all setting the tills ringing and tongues wagging with their fusing of modern effects and attitudes with affectionate and knowing nods to genres past.

Perhaps 'Night Of The Creeps' will just get lost in the stampede.

Perhaps it is a joke aimed exclusively at a generation who grew up watching the source material on VHS and DVD and new fangled Blu-Ray... A generation who don't actually exist when Dekker sees his film underpromoted and given short shrift by the studio that bank rolled it. A generation who will have to wait an age to finally see 'Night Of The Creeps' on those same formats when word of mouth and fan demand finally get it the release it deserves.

So, young Fred Dekker will just have to wait twenty five years for his film to find its audience... As it turns out, the delirious melting pot of ideas needs time to cook down and 'Night Of The Creeps' has to become part of the lexicon of films that it refers to before it can be fully appreciated. It has to become what it mimicked... A near forgotten B-Movie gem that gets promoted by word of mouth, best viewed with friends at a late hour, rum in hand and tongue in cheek.

Wow... Deep stuff!

Of course, young Fred Dekker has no idea of this as the Assistant Director appears beside him to let him know that the Zombie Dog puppet is ready for its close up. This Fred Dekker smiles a smile full of hope and raises his view finder to his eye...

CUE FLASHFORWARD MUSIC!

And we're back in the present (because for jaded Fred Dekker, 1989 is the present... Not the present that we know as 2010).

The Assistant Director of 'Robocop 3' has just finished telling him that the Robot Ninja puppet is ready for its close up and Fred has gone to inspect the set up, reluctantly dragging his forlorn mass towards the cheaply assembled latex disaster that passes for an effect in this Roboclusterfuck of a production, sighing the deep sigh of a film maker who has reached the lowest rung of his craft, his shoulders slumping limply on a set so bad that you can all but hear the porn being filmed next door.

Time to take another glance at that mortgage repayment schedule and, lest we forget, factor in those alimony bills.

And yet... As jaded Fred Dekker gazes upon this Robopuppetpieceofshit his face changes, becoming almost... Younger! Delighted! Enthused in a way that suggests he had been given money by a major studio to hire Stan Winston to 're-imagine' the classic Universal Monsters and was now being shown the work for the first time...

The light changes to become brighter, the Roboporn set fading to reveal something more thrilling and macabre... It seems to be the mid eighties and an entirely different movie is being made...

CUE FLASHBACK MUSIC!



BAM!

Meet middle Fred Dekker on the set of outstanding genre bender 'The Monster Squad'!

We learn two things instantly about middle Fred Dekker... Firstly, he LOVES genre cinema enough to risk putting a spin on it again a mere year after seeing his first effort fail and, secondly, he was more of an 'Explorers' guy than a 'Goonies' guy.

How do we know this?

'The Monster Squad' is one of those movies for kids that only seemed to get made in the eighties... It's a bit violent, has some swearing, some casual misogyny, some smoking and, perhaps most important of all, assumes that children aren't drooling retards with no awareness of either the cinematic world OR the real world. The middle Fred Dekker has seen the post 'E.T.' signs on the wall... He knows that kids fare is going to get a 'little' anodyne as the years progress, with each new studio offering becoming a self contained mission in merchandising that offers no window into imagination or the world around the viewer. Sure, the odd 'Monster House' will crop up but... The days of 'Explorers' and 'Flight Of The Navigator's are soon to be a distant memory, buried beneath the mooing mass of the annual Summer Cash Cow stampede.

Or something along those lines.

So, having done the gooey fifties B-Movie stuff, middle Fred Dekker decides to raid his beloved Universal Monster back catalogue, splice it with a 'Stand By Me' style coming-of-age yarn, toss in some implied nudity (this IS a kids film, after all, a glimpse of horrific mid eighties underwear will suffice) and see what flavours that crazy Gumbo throws up...

Holy crap Dekker! This could be a masterpiece... With nards!

It's a loving wink to the great monsters of cinema past that directly invites the youth of today (yesterday?) to embrace these icons and find them enthralling and perhaps even menacing again... It has enough good stuff to keep you in the story but plenty of narrative winks to camera to make you aware that you shouldn't be taking this too seriously (wait now, this is all sounding VERY familiar). Dracula, The Wolfman, The Mummy, The 'Swamp Creature' and Frankenstein's Monster are all present and correct, reinvented for a new generation of movie goer and treated with a respect and reverence that is sorely lacking from more recent attempts to revive their legends. Every rule is respected (it's Frankenstein's Monster people!), every characteristic put on screen, every creature given it's moment and then pitted against a group of children who respect (and love) these creatures rather than an Abbot and Costello-esque mockery of them.

Of course, middle Fred Dekker doesn't know that this film is going to tank at the box office yet... He's still busy putting together an hour and thirty minutes of monster loving, gloriously quotable fun... It is, in essence, the very embodiment of eighties family fare but with upped quotas of clashing families, outstanding prosthetics work and endless Virgin jokes. His love for the movies that gave us genre cinema is infectious and - even when the film misses it's mark or steps over the line from kids film into something a little too off colour - you're going to get swept along for the ride.

There's no way of knowing why this one will fail to take off at the cinema but the signs are there... It will be released at a period of cinema where cinema tastes are beginning to shift... 'A Nightmare On Elm Street', 'Friday The 13th' and a host of other movies are all out to reshape the landscape of teen horror with their fusing of modern effects and attitudes with a keen sense of morality buried beneath the tides of nubile teens being slaughtered.

Perhaps 'The Monster Squad' will just get overlooked for it's pleasing amorality and slavish devotion to horror icons of a period that suddenly looks extremely quaint to the newly jaded eyes of its intended audience.

Perhaps it is too knowing... Perhaps it will be the cruel lack of merchandising... This is, after all, a film aimed at a generation who have grown up post 'Star Wars', a generation who seem to require (by default) a series of action figures, lunch boxes and ZX Spectrum games in order to feel a film is worthy of their attention. 'The Monster Squad' has none of these when Dekker sees his film underpromoted and given short shrift by the studio that bank rolled it.

So, middle Fred Dekker will just have to wait twenty years for his film to find its audience... As it turns out, the delirious melting pot of ideas needs time for its intended audience to grow up a little, work their way backwards from his offering to the material it draws from and then revisit his tremendous movie before 'The Monster Squad' can truly be appreciated as the 'thinking mans Goonies'. There are still no toys, no games and no studio manipulated internet nostalgia... It stands alone as a forgotten B-Movie gem that gets promoted by word of mouth, best viewed with friends at a late hour, rum in hand and tongue in cheek.

Of course, middle Fred Dekker has no idea of this as the Assistant Director appears beside him to let him know that the producers have a problem with the line 'The Wolfman's got nards!'. This Fred Dekker smiles a smile full of wry humour and raises his view finder to his eye...

CUE FLASHFORWARD MUSIC!

But wait...

Is jaded Fred Dekker is still smiling fondly?

How..? How can he still be smiling when it has all come to this?!

Because he's known what was happening all along! He's known exactly how it would play out twenty five years later and we've fallen into the clutches of his masterplan!!!

Sure, this Robocesspit of a movie will pay the bills. It will also sit on the dusty shelves of the studio for three years before being unceremoniously released and then dumped onto the new, fangled DVD format and quickly forgotten. No one will care... No one will remember it for anything other than a slew of awful Super Nintendo games and poorly sculpted action figures. Meanwhile, 'Night Of The Creeps' and 'The Monster Squad' will begin to pick up interest... Slowly and inexorably, these movies will generate hushed conversation and demand for a DVD release will begin to swell...

Jaded Fred Dekker knew that one day, far into the future, the viewers who shunned him would find these films on a format that didn't even exist as yet and his love letters to genre cinema of the past would finally reach their audience. Would his films be responisble for this renewed interest in the monsters and nightmares of cinema past or just lucky passengers on the wave of nostalgia? Who knows... All that matters is that they're finally back where they belong; in the loving hands and on the mammoth television screens of film nerds everywhere.

Jaded Fred Dekker smiles and slowly turns to face the waiting crew of 'Robocop 3', two simple words from his mouth spurring them back into action:

'Thrill me!'

I Sell The Dead That Make The Whole World Sing...

So... After being stung for a hard earned £20 to watch the Dog Egg that was the Nightmare On Elm Street remake, I turned to the internet to find some Blu Ray bargains. In my neck of the woods, Blu Ray purchases can only be made at HMV or Blockbuster where bountiful discounted copies of 'Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel', 'The Hangover' and 'Gamer' flood the shelves, so nuggets of joy that didn't show at the local Odeon have to be bought online.

Shocking, I know.

Long gone are the days where a good root through the movie section of a high street store uncovered hidden gems (unless you consider ANOTHER spurious sequel to 'Bring It On' to be a hidden gem. Which I do. But that's another story for another time...).

Long story short, I was actually looking for 'The Host' on Blu Ray after a cracking review of the lovingly remastered Hi-Def Disc emerged on a blog I like to read during the arduous trip to work each day (The Basement Of Ghoulish Decadence). Any excuse to watch 'The Host' again is fine by me... But imagine my barely contained joy when nestled alongside it was 'I Sell The Dead' for a price SO reasonable that it would have been an insult to pass it by.

Thank you Tesco Direct... I haven't loved you this much since you stopped using Jane Horrocks in your advertising.

Now, 'I Sell The Dead' is a movie that you hear a lot about... Provided you read a lot of horror movie blogs or have interesting friends (or uninteresting friends who happen to read a lot of horror blogs... I don't judge). It is, however, a film that far too many people do not know about. As in, they will stare blankly when you mention that you watched it and then counter with the amazing anecdote of the time they watched 'The Final Destination'... In 3D... And nearly crapped themselves. Awkward smiles abound and then you all move on to another topic of conversation (although, I do own 'The Final Destination', but that is simply because I own the other films in the series and I'm an anal retentive like that... It's the whole 'Bring It On' thing all over again, minus Solange Knowles).

Much like the curiously maligned remake of 'The Wolfman', this is a film that loves the golden age of Hammer Horror (and has seen 'Dead & Breakfast'...). However, it is also a film that has read some nifty comic books and seen some quality television. It knows roughly where it's headed and has no intention of helping anyone along the path it has chosen to take. In short, if you are a cinematic Shelly Winters, this Gene Hackman isn't going to help your lardy movie ass to the bow of The Poseidon. It is a basic skeleton of a plot (grave robbers realise that people will pay more for more the living dead that the stone cold dead and high jinks ensue) that serves to pepper the screen with visual oddities and scattershot ideas that somehow don't feel too smug or disjointed or reference any of the 'must refer to' movies of recent times.

It also manages to remind you that anyone who isn't Tim Burton can make a half decent Tim Burton film these days... Yeah, that's right... Fuck 'Alice In Wonderland'! Lookit Tim, I saw 'Return To Oz' when it came out at the cinema and, even though Faruza Balk gives me the screaming fear (SO... MUCH... GUM!) it was STILL a much better version of your crappy offering! Make another Ed Wood or piss off.

Right... Where was I?

Oh, okay... It's a goofy sort of film that will grate on your nerves for about five to ten minutes as it sets up it's tone and characters (badly) before suddenly sucking you into it's, frankly, bonkers mish-mash of ideas and nicely ballanced CGI/Practical Effect visuals that whisk it along through its brief running time. Had it been cast with Johnny Depp and (Insert Prett Boy Flavour De Jour Here) then it would have been a fair hit at the cinema and have a nice poster quote from Elle and Heat magazines giving it four stars. It doesn't... And is all the better for it.

There's not too much to say about 'I Sell The Dead' that won't sort of dilute the WTF? pleasure of seeing it on a rainy afternoon. It's like having a ten year old tell you a joke that actually makes you laugh... You start off being polite to respect the effort being made to entertain you but, somewhere along the line, you end up being genuinely entertained... Plus which, it will cost you a charming smile and a pebble to pick up a copy on either DVD or Blu Ray (I can't imagine there being a huge difference in picture quality).

Pick it up, watch it, enjoy it, wonder why it never got the cinema release it deserved... Then brace yourself for a LOT of conversations about 'The Final Destination'.

The Bastard Son Of 200 Maniacs!

Lookit... I'm not one to get all weepy and sentimental about the current wave of remakes doing the rounds. Remember when Peter Jackson was fat? Yeah, well they let Fat Jackson remake 'King Kong' (badly) so clearly nothing is sacred (but Fat Jackson is a film that I would so watch... Or maybe even write). Any film you hold dear is liable to come around on the 'Hollywood Remake Awesome-O'. It's only a matter of time before 'Jaws' or 'Short Circuit' or 'Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go To College' gets the CGI do over... Best to just get over it and treasure the memory of the original.

Think of it as being a Grandparent. You might love your kid dearly but hate your grandchild for being a lame, watered down version of the original... Could happen. If it does, just ignore them. You can still visit your kid, just do it when the grandchild is at school or swimming or whatever and pretend it doesn't exist.

Voila! Remake problem solved.

Which brings me to Nightmare On Elm Street.

Firstly, I've never been the biggest fan of the original series.

I know right... SAY WHAT?!

I dig 'em, don't get me wrong... I just don't think they're the most amazing thing to ever grace the face of the Earth. I like the premise, I like the character of Freddy Krueger and I think the work of the effects and prosthetics artists involved are tip top. But... Somehow the films never hung together in a way that left me satisfied in way that, say, 'Let The Right One In' or 'Martyrs' did... Hell, even 'C.H.U.D.' packed more bang for my VHS renting buck in 1984 (when you could rent anything you liked as a ten year old).

However, Nightmmare's 1 through 6 AND New Nightmare all sit dutifully on my DVD shelf and I love them as steadfast rainy day views and fine examples of a franchise gone mad... A nasty, sordid premise slowly evolving into some kind of Cirque De Soleil for the children of nice middle class folk who were too young to realise that they were the children of nice middle class folk who really just wanted to go and see Cirque De Soleil.

What is nice about the Nightmare series (as opposed to say, the Leprechaun series) is that a decent sized mythology and back story begins to develop around the character of Freddy. Sure, it also means pissing hell hounds and sub Argonauts stop motion skeletons but, amidst the Nancy this and Tina that, a character is evolved that becomes more than the sum total of his cinematic parts. Plus which, he has yet to go into space... So there's life in the old dog yet!

And there, dear reader, lies the problem for anyone contemplating a remake.

You see... We know.

We know what he is, what he did, what he wants to do, how he does it, how he got this way and how he'll end up being beaten.

We know.

So what do you do?

You can't make a film called 'Nightmare On Elm Street' and not have it be about Freddy (just ask the makers of Halloween III: Season Of The Witch... That shit does NOT fly!). You can't just start all over and change everything. You have to be faithful to the original but somehow find a way to fleece folks of their dollars with the promise of something new...

So what do you do?

You change the actor! The result? Didn't hate him. Robert Englund will always be Freddy in the same way that Connery will always be Bond. But you can't go on forever...
You change the makeup! The result? I liked it. It was pretty gross... Like finding a slug in your shoe or a dog skid on your bed. Not horrific exactly but enough to start your day off wrong. The original makeup is too much to do with Englund's physical face anyway... It would be a reminder of times past to try and mimic that.
You change the story! The result? Yeah, sure... If by changed you mean diluted it down and tried to pull a needless 'Here's your final girl but WAIT now she's dead and this OTHER girl is your final girl!' and then slapped on a Scooby Doo-esque jaunt to an old haunted house ending that smacks of screenwriters who've seen too many B-Grade J-Horror DVD's and not enough 80's Horror VHS madness.

Look, unless you're going to change the names of the characters then this attempt to wrong foot the audience isn't going to work. Nancy is one of THE most famous final girls in slasher history... Tina is the one that gets flung around the room and sliced. WE ALL KNOW BECAUSE WE'VE SEEN THE ORIGINAL! Plus which, the lead character switcheroo works a lot better if you pull it early on (as in the 1988 remake of 'The Blob') because it allows you time to actually develop your real lead enough that the audience, you know, gives a shit. Thirty minutes into an hour and a half long film is, as this movie demonstrates, nowhere near enough.

Also, why is Nancy now Laney Boggs from 'She's All That'? Bit of an aside, I know, but I found it really distracting as I was half expecting the shoehorned in Jump Rope Girls to start singing Sixpence Non The Richer songs... Well, the one Sixpence Non The Richer song that anyone knows anyway. Which makes sense because it's the one from 'She's All That'.

So, having seen the original, we've also seen ALL OF THE GOOD BITS FROM THIS ONE! Do something fresh with it if you're going to do it at all... Even Fat Jackson threw in some new sequences and ideas into his King Kong... They may have been shit but at least the man tried for the love of God! Actually, there were a couple of interesting morsels thrown in... The notion that Freddy was innocent was a good curve ball. Hell, if I'd been burned alive for something I didn't do then I'd very likely come back as a dream demon and smash shit up too. I hope to die peacefully having lived a good, honest life and I STILL want to come back and smash shit up, so that's a new take on the character that would have worked for me. Actually, that's about the only new thing I liked (apart from the very snazzy lenticular cover of the Blu Ray... But I'm easy to please like that). The good bits were rehashed from the 1984 original and the 'new' ideas involved lots of swearing, some CGI blood splatter, lots of randomly googled facts about sleep deprivation that allowed the writers to have Freddy pop up when people were essentially awake and an ending that took everyone away from Elm Street to have a show down in a basement somewhere else... But that doesn't matter as it was clearly the BASEMENT OF A MADMAN! You could tell because it had a workbench and lots of drawings taped to the wall. They were black and white and Tim Burtony and clearly the DRAWINGS OF A MADMAN!

And the greatest crime of all? No John Saxon!

I don't really know what else to say...

It was a mess that took the very simple idea of the first Nightmare and mixed in a little too much of the mythology from the subsequent films and some half baked, not very clever story ideas that belonged in someone's shot on DV movie that they made after having seen too many Christopher Nolan films. It wasn't a decent remake or a smart reinvention of a cinema icon... It was a run of the mill horror film trading on the Krueger name, the cinematic Gwyneth Paltrow to Craven's orginal Blythe Danner. It is, in short, a film that could have done with one clear idea at the helm and a few less maniacs for fathers.

Suffice to say, if I were Wes Craven and this was my grandchild, I'd certainly phone ahead to make sure it was at Summer Camp before taking a break from writing 'Fat Jackson' to go and visit my son.

The Return Of Puttiki

The cool kids out there will, of course, remember the first Puttiki... If not, check the link to feast those eager peepers and ask yourself if you've really made the right choices in life.

Well, lookit... Even though you might be distracting him from Ice Spiders on cable, your old pal LFT is not one to deny people a second chance at life. So brace yourselves, because here comes THE RETURN OF PUTTIKI!



Look at that poster.

Look at it again!

The allure of Mini Golf? The promise of cocktails?! DJ's?!!

Now look at that line up of artists...

Atomic Tony Tiki, D.D. Mae, Tiki Racer, Trader Tark, Mummy's Little Monster, Clumsy AND MORE?!

MORE?!

This is going to be a gathering of some of the FINEST low brow and tiki art in the known universe... And that is, in no way, an overstatement.

Keep an eye an it here but expect to be making your way down to Hunny Lu Lu's in Hastings for the Bank Holiday weekend at the end of August.

Break out the Wii and start warming up that putting arm people... Once you've bought some art from one of the AMAZING artists mentioned above, you'll be wanting to compete for a place on the hallowed Puttiki wall of fame!

Now, back to Ice Spiders...

Three Good Reasons Why Robert Wise Pumps My Nads!

We all know how much I loves me a dose of Billy Wilder... Who doesn't?!

But, lest we forget, there was another fine fellow splattering a whole bunch of AWESOME across cinema screens and creating great, great movies that satisfy the three basic cinema goers that live inside me:

Number 1: The Sci Fi Nerd



Number 2: The Horror Nerd



Number 3: The Hopeless Romantic/Nascent Homosexual



Ladies and Gentleman... All stand for Mr Robert Wise!

It's Nothing Like Jaws...

If, like me, you’ve been wondering what exactly to do with that unconvincing but lovingly crafted Great White Shark puppet you decided to make in your parents basement for no particular reason, then let me point you in the direction of this industrious effort made by some fine people who assure me that they’ve never even heard of a film called Jaws. However, in some parts of the world (really stupid parts... Hoxton, for example) this epic movie IS often named 'Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws' which leads me to suspect that there is some monkey business afoot with their claims of blockbusting shark movie ignorance. Besides, if you want to fool anyone into mistaking this for the fifth installment of the Jaws franchise then call it 'JAW5'. Surely, this alpha-numeric punning would be the only reason to return to the dry, dry barrel of the once mighty shark franchise.

Look at it again...

JAW5

Tempting, isn't it..? Can you really tell me with a straight face that this title doesn't make you want to bankroll a CGI heavy shark movie, loosely based on the first Jaws and filmed (very possibly) in 3D? The new, fangled kind that works in the cinema but not at home? Then you can tell everyone it's a 'reboot' rather than a straight sequel or (God forbid) a remake.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Anyway, let's take a look at what can be done with a basement made Great White Shark puppet and some 'original' story ideas...

Young girl swimming at night gets viciously attacked by what later turns out to be a shark… No one listens to warnings... Mayor won’t cancel forthcoming regatta… Shark rampages… Little girl in WHEELCHAIR ends up in water (THE HUMANITY!)… Ill prepared group of folk go out to kill the beast on a worryingly small boat...

Yeah... Check, check and, indeed, check.

You say: ‘So far, so RIP OFF!’

I say: ‘So far, so AWESOME!’ It could only really be any better if they’d claimed to have made this in 1995 but shot it entirely to resemble the early 80’s (genius) and then cast someone who randomly looks like Hulk Hogan to fight the aquatic demon. Only then would this become the greatest film eve… WAIT A MINUTE!

I love this film… It is truely an excellent example of to do with previously unwanted Great White Shark hand puppets and, even though I’ve never actually seen it, I feel like I’ve enjoyed it a hundred times already (or however many times I've actually seen Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3D and Jaws The Revenge).

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Cruel Jaws!

It’s nothing like Jaws.

Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson... Again.

Oh Tiffany... You really just can't let this age old rivalry go, can you?

Debbie Gibson scores a hit in the Eighties... So do you.

Debbie Gibson melts the hearts of the Mall dwelling American Public... So do you.

Debbie Gibson does Playboy... So do you.

Debbie Gibson fights huge aquatic sea beasts... So do you.

Debbie Gibson's Mega Shark takes down a plane... Your Mega Piranha takes down a helicopter.

AND a city.

Look...

Holy Shit Tiffany... A city!

A CITY!

Don't you think this has all gone just a little bit too far now?! Can't we just call each other sluts and so on without involving the giants of the deep and some innocent bystanders?

I hope not... Because as long as this rivalry produces CINEMATIC GOLD like Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and Mega Piranha then I have reason to live.

Your move Gibson, your move...

When 'Aliens' Procrastinate!

It would seem that someone in the world of cinema has the two following issues:

1) An unhealthy interest in attempting to duplicate the cinematic success of Mr Spielberg.
2) An unhealthy dislike for young people in wheelchairs.

In this nugget of cinematic dog egg we see ANOTHER unfortunate youth meets wheelchair meets near death by water sequence… However, unlike Cruel Jaws (which, you will recall is in no way a carbon copy of… Jaws) this joy is Mac and Me (which, I will inform you now, is in no way a carbon copy of E.T.) and has a unique twist on the theme of wheelchair infanticide. You see, this child is not in danger of being eaten by any water dwelling carnivore. He is in danger of death by alien procrastination…

Behold yonder sequence...

The faintly phallic assembly of used chewing gum that is Mac (NOT to be confused with E.T.) spends far too long deciding whether or not to use his cosmic powers to rescue the helpless child currently splashing around in the water. This is after said child has already fallen from a great height to reach the aforementioned water (and I say child under the assumption that no one has noticed that it is some sort of shop mannequin tied to a wheelchair that actually makes the descent).

You will note, of course, that the child’s parents and immediate family are far too preoccupied with their annual recreation of the opening credits of Little House On The Prairie to offer any assistance and so it all falls to Mac, the Ponderous Cosmic Schlong to save the day...

I might point out to the mysterious film maker who would really like to be Mr Spielberg (but, alas, hates children) that if I am to believe that these two are going to become BFF’s then some swifter action on the part of Mac might have been nice here. After all, no matter how hard we try to pretend that this is a nice, accepting world, we all know that when you look different or sound weird then you have to work thrice as hard for acceptance. Let's go back and take another look at Mac shall we..?

Yeah, I'd be moving pretty quickly there Space Buddy!

And don't think for a moment that Wheelchair Kid has anything to prove here... I think the Swiftly Replacing Himself With A Shop Dummy To Perform A Simulated Death Dive just sealed him a reputation as one of the Cool Dudes at the swimming pond. The kind of sweet lovin' he'll be getting from all the Lakeside Lovelies means he can take you or leave you to be honest... Less thinking, more Space Wizardy if you want an 'in' with the kids Mac!

Just as a note of interest I will point out here that if my supposed Bestie From Space left me hanging like that I’d get myself to shore (somehow) and then use what little strength I had left in my arms to swing one of my lifeless legs up and square into Mac’s space nuts! Or, if I was feeling especially sassy, I may even use a detached limb from my freshly moistened Shop Dummy to perform the same action...

Still, we’ll give Mac & Me a solid F+ for puppetry, a shakey B for wheelchair stunt work and a questionable 'Ungraded' for decisive use of cosmic magic/child care whilst assuming that Mac is the intergalactic alter ego of the mysterious film maker and genuinely had to give the rescue issue some thought (what with hating kids and all).

Ahh, Mac… We’ve all learned something today.

So Nad, It's Good...

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have an ample ream of unwritten script ideas hidden beneath my pillow… If by ideas you mean swell sounding titles that will never have an actual story to go with them. Things like Lunar-Tick or Terror-Dactyl or Prime-8 or… Well you get the idea. Sadly, I also have a voice in my head that says things such as: ‘Hey, what a cool title but… No, no… Hang on… The only thing I can think of to fit that title is a really generic piece of crap that even the Sci-Fi Channel would be too ashamed to show… No, I’d better leave it and get back to writing Crule Jaws 2… Shame though… It is a neat title…’

So, enjoy the titles and the films you can probably imagine scene for scene from reading them but don’t bother looking for them in stores… Sadly, you won’t find them. Not even at Blockbuster.

It would seem, however, that the author of sadly overlooked masterpiece The Ginger-Dead Man shares only one of my traits… He has the sweet pun for a title but the voice in this dudes head has said ‘Hey man… Awesome title! You could totally do something with that, like… Like… Like remake Child’s Play! Yeah, that’s the ticket! Child’s Play would’ve been so much better if, like, Chucky hadn’t been so freakin’ terrifying! Let’s do it! Let’s remake Child’s Play but with a weird turd faced ginger bread thing man instead of a scary ass doll! That’s our ticket to easy street!’ And, to his credit, he has not only written it but then gone and got it made…

And let’s not undersell his work either… It is a pretty natty looking turd guy ginger bread man thing… And he does flaunt the rules of kitchen cleanliness by dripping the blood of a serial killer into the flour… AND he cuts off an old lady’s finger! As an anal retentive, the thought of old lady blood on my stainless steel kitchen fixtures is enough to give me nightmares for weeks! This film literally tears apart the coventions of the genre… If by genre you mean Child’s Play and by tear apart you mean follow it pretty much beat for beat. Face it, the script was good enough to snag Gary Busey… Enough said. This product reeks of quality AND gently baked ginger bread goodness.

What really seals this one up for me, however is knowing that there is sequel to this on it’s way… Ginger-Dead Man 2: The Passion Of The Crust. I. Shit. You. Not. And since it appears that the titular Ginger-Dead Man has been eaten and ‘re-introduced’ to the world at least once before the original was even filmed, I’m guessing that he can run and run as long as this guy and the shameless voice in his head can keep punning.

I hope things work out for those crazy kids, I really do…

When Good Sharks Go Bad...

It is my honest belief that at some point in the near future, the world will be divided into just two groups of people… Those who have seen Raging Sharks and those who haven’t.

One section of this future world will live above ground in a utopian paradise of equality and intellectual satisfaction, passing their days in sunshine and frolicking in the lush green meadows (never once having to worry about the safety of their wheelchair bound children as such devices are now a thing of the past, thanks to Hover Limbs). Hope burns brightly for these people and every day brings a new advancement in science or art that amazes and nourishes both their souls and that of their beautiful world.

The other section, however, dwell beneath the earth in dank caverns. These ‘people’ drag their boil ridden, rag clad masses through this dank, sunless underworld, their ability to reason and feel forever stunted by the one burning question that will forever plague their tortured souls… There is no hope for these people, no dream of a better world… Only the horrible memories of the nightmare that forced them into this netherworld prison. Their ruined, unseeing eyes drip impotent tears of rage as they scream into the darkness in their primitive grunts and moans… ‘How?! How could this be?! HOW COULD IT HAVE BEEN SO BAD?!’

To be honest, I think the actual question here is ‘When was it ever going to be good?’ Some wide eyed kid, fresh to Hollywood, steps off the bus from Moosejaw with only ten minutes of stock footage of sharks (assorted breeds) and two alien suits he made in his bedroom to his name. Somehow, he thinks, I’m gonna make it here! So he takes his footage of sharks (assorted breeds) and alien suits to the first production office he can find. It is located above a dry cleaners and it just so happens that the producer inside has recently been thinking to himself ‘I loved that Cruel Jaws movie and I really dig The Abyss… If only there was some way I could put the two together… Fuse the terror of a killer shark with the wonder of aliens and space and the nightmare of being trapped in an underwater research centre without just remaking Deep Blue Sea… No sir, even I have standards!’ Then comes the knock at his office door…

Between them they have the following: Ten minutes of stock footage sharks (assorted breeds). Two rubber alien suits. The talents of Corin Nemac. Fifty two dollars. One crazy notion…

And so it comes to pass that Raging Sharks is born and the fate of mankind is sealed. You can’t hate these two guys… How were they to know that their seemingly awesome attempt to make their mark on the world of shark movies would lead to this? Their idea was simple enough… Aliens crash in space and jettison a strange canister into the waters of the Bermuda Triangle where it just so happens that an underwater research lab staffed entirely by women with huge lips and breasts (oh, and a couple of dudes too) is doing some underwater research about what makes the Bermuda Triangle so darn mysterious. The canister leaks freaky orange alien goo into the water that makes all of the sharks (assorted breeds) in the area go into a rage and attack the lab and all of the big lipped, big breasted folk inside whilst a government agent sneaks on board because the government REALLY wants the orange alien goo but didn’t know where to find it until now. Then, we’ll forget all about the sharks (assorted breeds) and just have some people run around trying not to get shot by the government guy until, just when all hope is lost, the aliens turn up again, get their goo back, heal all the good guys but let the government guy get eaten by the one shark that was actually just always raging as opposed to being affected by the goo. The end.

No, we can’t hate them… Much like Prometheus or Frankenstein or that guy in Pirhana, these two souls simply had a dream that, when realised, turned swiftly into a nightmare beyond their control. And, to be honest, if someone came to you with fifty two dollars, ten minutes of stock footage of sharks (assorted breeds), two rubber alien costumes and the title Raging Sharks, can you honestly say you wouldn’t make that movie?

Can you..?

Megashark Versus Giant Octopus Versus My Nads

We’ve all been there…

It’s Wednesday afternoon, you’re on the second pot of coffee and desperately trying to forget the Friday deadline for the first draft of your new aquatic masterpiece…

And still the page remains empty.

It would help, of course, if the two children next door would stop playing their noisy, incoherent kid games in the garden. I mean, really, who can be expected to concentrate when all you can hear is:

KID 1: ‘No way man! There’s no way a shark is flying out of the water and eating the PLANE!’

KID 2: ‘But my toy plane got eaten by the dog… All I have is the shark…’

KID 1: ‘And look how big it is anyway… That’d have to be a tiny plane for the shark to jump up and eat it…’

KID 2: ‘Or maybe it’s like… A MEGA shark! Then it could jump real high and eat anything… Like, imagine… It shoots out’ve the water and grabs the plane right out’ve the air!’

KID 1: ‘You’re an idiot… This is the stupedist game ever!’

You take a swig of coffee and smile faintly… A shark leaping out of the water and eating a plane… A PLANE! What a ridiculous ide-

Hold on a minute… That’s not too bad.

Of course, Kid 2 is right… It would have to be some kind of MEGA shark. A relic, frozen in ice… Unleashed somehow to terrorise the World! Hmm… What could release him?

Global warming? Done…

Earthquake? Done…

Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson in a tiny CGI submarine dodging a pod of whales who are freaking out because of a top secret government sonar experiment? Hmm… Maybe… Just maybe…

The whales could crash into an iceberg where this beast has been frozen for millions of years… Then, Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson could think she sees a giant shark swim away… Because, you know, being a MEGA shark it doesn’t need time to thaw out or get its bearings. No sir, before you can say ‘Electric Youth!’ it’s full steam ahead for terror as that MEGA shark makes for the nearest passenger jet…

Juicy stuff…

But… Hold on now… Who are we kidding here? A film cannot thrive on a plane eating giant shark and Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson alone. That’s crazy… And besides, what about the film YOU, THE ARTIST imagined… Remember? The tender love story of two marine scientists, an American woman and a Japanese man, whose love defies cultural stereotypes and travels the ocean just like the GIANT OIL RIG EATING OCTOPUS they are trying to ensnare.

Wait…

What if there were some way to fuse these ideas together… What if the two beasts were frozen TOGETHER? Locked in combat… Waiting… Just waiting for Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson and her freaked out whales to release them…

Oh yeah, that works… Then you can lend the whole thing gravitas by imagining that they are destined to be together just like your marine biologist leads… Oh man, this is GOLD!

And so Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus is born… Really, it writes itself… You are simply the conduit through which this epic must pass. Can’t work out why two giant sea creatures would ever come close enough to shore to menace people… Lure them in with pheromones! You know, in a bid to capture them… Obviously. Then the Mega Shark can eat the Golden Gate Bridge! Sweet… Can’t work out why we don’t just blow them to hell? Simple… They’re wiley. And bullet proof. Duh! Can’t work out how Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson might defeat these beasts? Easy… Get them together and let them fight one another to the (conveniently mutual) death… Viola!

Hell… Any holes in the script will be masked by top notch effects work and quality acting, right?

Right..?

Ladies and Gentleman, I give to you… Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus!

Is it too soon to whisper Oscar?

The Condition Of My Nads...

I know what you're wondering... What exactly has been pumping my nads recently?

Let me tell you...

If you'd forgotten this magic piece of animated goodness then SHAME ON YOU! Tim Burton clearly hasn't... And nor have the good people of Warner Bros. who are currently planning a CGWHY remake.

It's well covered on other blogs, so I won't go into detail about plot and cast but know this... It's a great, great, GREAT way to spend a rainy afternoon and should even re-ignite the love of classic monster movies that Van Helsing and the recent Wolfman remake may have... Quelled slightly... Dive in and enjoy before Creature From The Black Lagoon gets 're-imagined' (or raped, as we like to call it) and the remake sullies the good memory of this little gem.

Also, you may find yourself curiously attracted to the red headed female lead... And she doesn't even get nekked Mr Zombie! That's quality horror themed animation, right there!

Moving on...

Or... 'That Movie Your Neighbour Kept Telling You Was Really Awesome But You Can't Really Understand All The Fuss'.

People, this movie was okay. Okay. Read that word again and think about it.

Okay.

I look forward to the South Park spoof and vaguely remember the film (I watched it last night...). I can only assume that everyone who had the shit scared out of them by this has never read a Shirley Jackson book or even bothered to watch that many supernatural movies.

My nads remained unmoved by this one... But I may come back to it for another view and enjoy it more.

Or I might watch...

Yep... 2012. A movie SO epic that I had to update the firmware on my Blu-Ray player just to NAVIGATE THE MENU SCREEN!

It was immense!

It was stupid!

It was the same action sequences repeated over and over (WHAT WILL JOHN CUSACK JUMP OVER NEXT?! AND WHICH VEHICLE WILL HE USE?! HOW MANY PLANES CAN OUTRUN AN EXPLOSION AFTER TAKING OFF FROM A CRUMBLING RUNWAY?!!!!!!!!!!!).

It then turned into a sort of watered down Battlestar Galactica... With Giraffes! And an Elephant hanging from a helicopter!!!

On the downside, it was as dumb as a bag of rubber cocks and (once again) we see that electing a black president is (according to Hollywood) a sure fire way to ensure the end of days (seriously, I know the studio's think the black president card is a great way to make the movie hit ALL the demographics but name one move where the black president isn't facing the end of the world or a nuclear crisis...). I can only assume that mankind stood any kind of chance in this movie because the man in question was... Well, a man. If it had been a black, female president then surely the world would just have combusted with no warning and we all would have died outright.

Great apocalypse guys... But maybe next time we can let a white president lead us all to our deaths? Not Bill Pullman though... He's a cool guy and probably would have saved the world. Some other white dude will do... Lord knows we've got plenty to choose from.

Still... I was drunk and did really enjoy this one.

Shame on me.

And Now For A Movie That Completely Failed To Pump My Nads!

Alright, so I know I'm supposed to be preparing 'jaw dropping' works of art for the upcoming Tiki Today Show at the Vision 20-21 Gallery but... I've actually been taking full advantage of the slew of animation making it's way onto Blu-Ray this month.

First up was... 'Up'. Great film. I really liked it, even when the tone got a bit choppy and it was definately my favourite Pixar release since The Incredibles.

Yeah, that's right... Fuck you Nemo!

Then came '9'... Not bad, not bad at all... Took my back to my youth watching uneven but pretty films like The Dark Crystal and The Secret Of Nimh. Hell, I'd go so far as to say that it had a faint whiff of the Tron's about it. Beautiful but horribly flawed.

Like me...

Then came this...

I know right? Rob Zombie does Ralph Bashki via Robert Crumb with a dash of Universal Horror and some fine ass Luchadore action thrown in. Oh, and zombies... Nazi Zombies! What could go wrong..?

Suffice to say, it was the longest 74 minutes of my life and made me want to watch something, anything else. Maybe even Finding Nemo... (I can't explain to you how much I hate that film... Or why...). Sure, animated boobs are swell and everyone loves a good pop culture gag but to base every facet of the film on those two things? And then use the glue of swearing to hold it all together?

Somehow, this film felt like a criminal waste of talent and time (THREE YEARS in the making! Even I don't take that long!) and hopefully everyone involved will have learned a valuable lesson from this debacle and just give me the TEN MILLION budget next time to produce my much anticipated Why Sock Monkey, Why? movie.

The Return Of Doug...

Because these days... You gotta have a trilogy!

Part 2 of 3: Doug's First Day On The Job