Three Good Reasons Why Robert Wise Pumps My Nads!

We all know how much I loves me a dose of Billy Wilder... Who doesn't?!

But, lest we forget, there was another fine fellow splattering a whole bunch of AWESOME across cinema screens and creating great, great movies that satisfy the three basic cinema goers that live inside me:

Number 1: The Sci Fi Nerd



Number 2: The Horror Nerd



Number 3: The Hopeless Romantic/Nascent Homosexual



Ladies and Gentleman... All stand for Mr Robert Wise!

It's Nothing Like Jaws...

If, like me, you’ve been wondering what exactly to do with that unconvincing but lovingly crafted Great White Shark puppet you decided to make in your parents basement for no particular reason, then let me point you in the direction of this industrious effort made by some fine people who assure me that they’ve never even heard of a film called Jaws. However, in some parts of the world (really stupid parts... Hoxton, for example) this epic movie IS often named 'Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws' which leads me to suspect that there is some monkey business afoot with their claims of blockbusting shark movie ignorance. Besides, if you want to fool anyone into mistaking this for the fifth installment of the Jaws franchise then call it 'JAW5'. Surely, this alpha-numeric punning would be the only reason to return to the dry, dry barrel of the once mighty shark franchise.

Look at it again...

JAW5

Tempting, isn't it..? Can you really tell me with a straight face that this title doesn't make you want to bankroll a CGI heavy shark movie, loosely based on the first Jaws and filmed (very possibly) in 3D? The new, fangled kind that works in the cinema but not at home? Then you can tell everyone it's a 'reboot' rather than a straight sequel or (God forbid) a remake.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Anyway, let's take a look at what can be done with a basement made Great White Shark puppet and some 'original' story ideas...

Young girl swimming at night gets viciously attacked by what later turns out to be a shark… No one listens to warnings... Mayor won’t cancel forthcoming regatta… Shark rampages… Little girl in WHEELCHAIR ends up in water (THE HUMANITY!)… Ill prepared group of folk go out to kill the beast on a worryingly small boat...

Yeah... Check, check and, indeed, check.

You say: ‘So far, so RIP OFF!’

I say: ‘So far, so AWESOME!’ It could only really be any better if they’d claimed to have made this in 1995 but shot it entirely to resemble the early 80’s (genius) and then cast someone who randomly looks like Hulk Hogan to fight the aquatic demon. Only then would this become the greatest film eve… WAIT A MINUTE!

I love this film… It is truely an excellent example of to do with previously unwanted Great White Shark hand puppets and, even though I’ve never actually seen it, I feel like I’ve enjoyed it a hundred times already (or however many times I've actually seen Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3D and Jaws The Revenge).

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Cruel Jaws!

It’s nothing like Jaws.

Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson... Again.

Oh Tiffany... You really just can't let this age old rivalry go, can you?

Debbie Gibson scores a hit in the Eighties... So do you.

Debbie Gibson melts the hearts of the Mall dwelling American Public... So do you.

Debbie Gibson does Playboy... So do you.

Debbie Gibson fights huge aquatic sea beasts... So do you.

Debbie Gibson's Mega Shark takes down a plane... Your Mega Piranha takes down a helicopter.

AND a city.

Look...

Holy Shit Tiffany... A city!

A CITY!

Don't you think this has all gone just a little bit too far now?! Can't we just call each other sluts and so on without involving the giants of the deep and some innocent bystanders?

I hope not... Because as long as this rivalry produces CINEMATIC GOLD like Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and Mega Piranha then I have reason to live.

Your move Gibson, your move...

When 'Aliens' Procrastinate!

It would seem that someone in the world of cinema has the two following issues:

1) An unhealthy interest in attempting to duplicate the cinematic success of Mr Spielberg.
2) An unhealthy dislike for young people in wheelchairs.

In this nugget of cinematic dog egg we see ANOTHER unfortunate youth meets wheelchair meets near death by water sequence… However, unlike Cruel Jaws (which, you will recall is in no way a carbon copy of… Jaws) this joy is Mac and Me (which, I will inform you now, is in no way a carbon copy of E.T.) and has a unique twist on the theme of wheelchair infanticide. You see, this child is not in danger of being eaten by any water dwelling carnivore. He is in danger of death by alien procrastination…

Behold yonder sequence...

The faintly phallic assembly of used chewing gum that is Mac (NOT to be confused with E.T.) spends far too long deciding whether or not to use his cosmic powers to rescue the helpless child currently splashing around in the water. This is after said child has already fallen from a great height to reach the aforementioned water (and I say child under the assumption that no one has noticed that it is some sort of shop mannequin tied to a wheelchair that actually makes the descent).

You will note, of course, that the child’s parents and immediate family are far too preoccupied with their annual recreation of the opening credits of Little House On The Prairie to offer any assistance and so it all falls to Mac, the Ponderous Cosmic Schlong to save the day...

I might point out to the mysterious film maker who would really like to be Mr Spielberg (but, alas, hates children) that if I am to believe that these two are going to become BFF’s then some swifter action on the part of Mac might have been nice here. After all, no matter how hard we try to pretend that this is a nice, accepting world, we all know that when you look different or sound weird then you have to work thrice as hard for acceptance. Let's go back and take another look at Mac shall we..?

Yeah, I'd be moving pretty quickly there Space Buddy!

And don't think for a moment that Wheelchair Kid has anything to prove here... I think the Swiftly Replacing Himself With A Shop Dummy To Perform A Simulated Death Dive just sealed him a reputation as one of the Cool Dudes at the swimming pond. The kind of sweet lovin' he'll be getting from all the Lakeside Lovelies means he can take you or leave you to be honest... Less thinking, more Space Wizardy if you want an 'in' with the kids Mac!

Just as a note of interest I will point out here that if my supposed Bestie From Space left me hanging like that I’d get myself to shore (somehow) and then use what little strength I had left in my arms to swing one of my lifeless legs up and square into Mac’s space nuts! Or, if I was feeling especially sassy, I may even use a detached limb from my freshly moistened Shop Dummy to perform the same action...

Still, we’ll give Mac & Me a solid F+ for puppetry, a shakey B for wheelchair stunt work and a questionable 'Ungraded' for decisive use of cosmic magic/child care whilst assuming that Mac is the intergalactic alter ego of the mysterious film maker and genuinely had to give the rescue issue some thought (what with hating kids and all).

Ahh, Mac… We’ve all learned something today.

So Nad, It's Good...

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have an ample ream of unwritten script ideas hidden beneath my pillow… If by ideas you mean swell sounding titles that will never have an actual story to go with them. Things like Lunar-Tick or Terror-Dactyl or Prime-8 or… Well you get the idea. Sadly, I also have a voice in my head that says things such as: ‘Hey, what a cool title but… No, no… Hang on… The only thing I can think of to fit that title is a really generic piece of crap that even the Sci-Fi Channel would be too ashamed to show… No, I’d better leave it and get back to writing Crule Jaws 2… Shame though… It is a neat title…’

So, enjoy the titles and the films you can probably imagine scene for scene from reading them but don’t bother looking for them in stores… Sadly, you won’t find them. Not even at Blockbuster.

It would seem, however, that the author of sadly overlooked masterpiece The Ginger-Dead Man shares only one of my traits… He has the sweet pun for a title but the voice in this dudes head has said ‘Hey man… Awesome title! You could totally do something with that, like… Like… Like remake Child’s Play! Yeah, that’s the ticket! Child’s Play would’ve been so much better if, like, Chucky hadn’t been so freakin’ terrifying! Let’s do it! Let’s remake Child’s Play but with a weird turd faced ginger bread thing man instead of a scary ass doll! That’s our ticket to easy street!’ And, to his credit, he has not only written it but then gone and got it made…

And let’s not undersell his work either… It is a pretty natty looking turd guy ginger bread man thing… And he does flaunt the rules of kitchen cleanliness by dripping the blood of a serial killer into the flour… AND he cuts off an old lady’s finger! As an anal retentive, the thought of old lady blood on my stainless steel kitchen fixtures is enough to give me nightmares for weeks! This film literally tears apart the coventions of the genre… If by genre you mean Child’s Play and by tear apart you mean follow it pretty much beat for beat. Face it, the script was good enough to snag Gary Busey… Enough said. This product reeks of quality AND gently baked ginger bread goodness.

What really seals this one up for me, however is knowing that there is sequel to this on it’s way… Ginger-Dead Man 2: The Passion Of The Crust. I. Shit. You. Not. And since it appears that the titular Ginger-Dead Man has been eaten and ‘re-introduced’ to the world at least once before the original was even filmed, I’m guessing that he can run and run as long as this guy and the shameless voice in his head can keep punning.

I hope things work out for those crazy kids, I really do…

When Good Sharks Go Bad...

It is my honest belief that at some point in the near future, the world will be divided into just two groups of people… Those who have seen Raging Sharks and those who haven’t.

One section of this future world will live above ground in a utopian paradise of equality and intellectual satisfaction, passing their days in sunshine and frolicking in the lush green meadows (never once having to worry about the safety of their wheelchair bound children as such devices are now a thing of the past, thanks to Hover Limbs). Hope burns brightly for these people and every day brings a new advancement in science or art that amazes and nourishes both their souls and that of their beautiful world.

The other section, however, dwell beneath the earth in dank caverns. These ‘people’ drag their boil ridden, rag clad masses through this dank, sunless underworld, their ability to reason and feel forever stunted by the one burning question that will forever plague their tortured souls… There is no hope for these people, no dream of a better world… Only the horrible memories of the nightmare that forced them into this netherworld prison. Their ruined, unseeing eyes drip impotent tears of rage as they scream into the darkness in their primitive grunts and moans… ‘How?! How could this be?! HOW COULD IT HAVE BEEN SO BAD?!’

To be honest, I think the actual question here is ‘When was it ever going to be good?’ Some wide eyed kid, fresh to Hollywood, steps off the bus from Moosejaw with only ten minutes of stock footage of sharks (assorted breeds) and two alien suits he made in his bedroom to his name. Somehow, he thinks, I’m gonna make it here! So he takes his footage of sharks (assorted breeds) and alien suits to the first production office he can find. It is located above a dry cleaners and it just so happens that the producer inside has recently been thinking to himself ‘I loved that Cruel Jaws movie and I really dig The Abyss… If only there was some way I could put the two together… Fuse the terror of a killer shark with the wonder of aliens and space and the nightmare of being trapped in an underwater research centre without just remaking Deep Blue Sea… No sir, even I have standards!’ Then comes the knock at his office door…

Between them they have the following: Ten minutes of stock footage sharks (assorted breeds). Two rubber alien suits. The talents of Corin Nemac. Fifty two dollars. One crazy notion…

And so it comes to pass that Raging Sharks is born and the fate of mankind is sealed. You can’t hate these two guys… How were they to know that their seemingly awesome attempt to make their mark on the world of shark movies would lead to this? Their idea was simple enough… Aliens crash in space and jettison a strange canister into the waters of the Bermuda Triangle where it just so happens that an underwater research lab staffed entirely by women with huge lips and breasts (oh, and a couple of dudes too) is doing some underwater research about what makes the Bermuda Triangle so darn mysterious. The canister leaks freaky orange alien goo into the water that makes all of the sharks (assorted breeds) in the area go into a rage and attack the lab and all of the big lipped, big breasted folk inside whilst a government agent sneaks on board because the government REALLY wants the orange alien goo but didn’t know where to find it until now. Then, we’ll forget all about the sharks (assorted breeds) and just have some people run around trying not to get shot by the government guy until, just when all hope is lost, the aliens turn up again, get their goo back, heal all the good guys but let the government guy get eaten by the one shark that was actually just always raging as opposed to being affected by the goo. The end.

No, we can’t hate them… Much like Prometheus or Frankenstein or that guy in Pirhana, these two souls simply had a dream that, when realised, turned swiftly into a nightmare beyond their control. And, to be honest, if someone came to you with fifty two dollars, ten minutes of stock footage of sharks (assorted breeds), two rubber alien costumes and the title Raging Sharks, can you honestly say you wouldn’t make that movie?

Can you..?

Megashark Versus Giant Octopus Versus My Nads

We’ve all been there…

It’s Wednesday afternoon, you’re on the second pot of coffee and desperately trying to forget the Friday deadline for the first draft of your new aquatic masterpiece…

And still the page remains empty.

It would help, of course, if the two children next door would stop playing their noisy, incoherent kid games in the garden. I mean, really, who can be expected to concentrate when all you can hear is:

KID 1: ‘No way man! There’s no way a shark is flying out of the water and eating the PLANE!’

KID 2: ‘But my toy plane got eaten by the dog… All I have is the shark…’

KID 1: ‘And look how big it is anyway… That’d have to be a tiny plane for the shark to jump up and eat it…’

KID 2: ‘Or maybe it’s like… A MEGA shark! Then it could jump real high and eat anything… Like, imagine… It shoots out’ve the water and grabs the plane right out’ve the air!’

KID 1: ‘You’re an idiot… This is the stupedist game ever!’

You take a swig of coffee and smile faintly… A shark leaping out of the water and eating a plane… A PLANE! What a ridiculous ide-

Hold on a minute… That’s not too bad.

Of course, Kid 2 is right… It would have to be some kind of MEGA shark. A relic, frozen in ice… Unleashed somehow to terrorise the World! Hmm… What could release him?

Global warming? Done…

Earthquake? Done…

Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson in a tiny CGI submarine dodging a pod of whales who are freaking out because of a top secret government sonar experiment? Hmm… Maybe… Just maybe…

The whales could crash into an iceberg where this beast has been frozen for millions of years… Then, Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson could think she sees a giant shark swim away… Because, you know, being a MEGA shark it doesn’t need time to thaw out or get its bearings. No sir, before you can say ‘Electric Youth!’ it’s full steam ahead for terror as that MEGA shark makes for the nearest passenger jet…

Juicy stuff…

But… Hold on now… Who are we kidding here? A film cannot thrive on a plane eating giant shark and Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson alone. That’s crazy… And besides, what about the film YOU, THE ARTIST imagined… Remember? The tender love story of two marine scientists, an American woman and a Japanese man, whose love defies cultural stereotypes and travels the ocean just like the GIANT OIL RIG EATING OCTOPUS they are trying to ensnare.

Wait…

What if there were some way to fuse these ideas together… What if the two beasts were frozen TOGETHER? Locked in combat… Waiting… Just waiting for Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson and her freaked out whales to release them…

Oh yeah, that works… Then you can lend the whole thing gravitas by imagining that they are destined to be together just like your marine biologist leads… Oh man, this is GOLD!

And so Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus is born… Really, it writes itself… You are simply the conduit through which this epic must pass. Can’t work out why two giant sea creatures would ever come close enough to shore to menace people… Lure them in with pheromones! You know, in a bid to capture them… Obviously. Then the Mega Shark can eat the Golden Gate Bridge! Sweet… Can’t work out why we don’t just blow them to hell? Simple… They’re wiley. And bullet proof. Duh! Can’t work out how Eighties Teen Pop Sensation Debbie Gibson might defeat these beasts? Easy… Get them together and let them fight one another to the (conveniently mutual) death… Viola!

Hell… Any holes in the script will be masked by top notch effects work and quality acting, right?

Right..?

Ladies and Gentleman, I give to you… Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus!

Is it too soon to whisper Oscar?