Tuesday 6 April 2010

When 'Aliens' Procrastinate!



It would seem that someone in the world of cinema has the two following issues:

1) An unhealthy interest in attempting to duplicate the cinematic success of Mr Spielberg.
2) An unhealthy dislike for young people in wheelchairs.

In this nugget of cinematic dog egg we see ANOTHER unfortunate youth meets wheelchair meets near death by water sequence… However, unlike Cruel Jaws (which, you will recall is in no way a carbon copy of… Jaws) this joy is Mac and Me (which, I will inform you now, is in no way a carbon copy of E.T.) and has a unique twist on the theme of wheelchair infanticide. You see, this child is not in danger of being eaten by any water dwelling carnivore. He is in danger of death by alien procrastination…

Behold yonder sequence...

The faintly phallic assembly of used chewing gum that is Mac (NOT to be confused with E.T.) spends far too long deciding whether or not to use his cosmic powers to rescue the helpless child currently splashing around in the water. This is after said child has already fallen from a great height to reach the aforementioned water (and I say child under the assumption that no one has noticed that it is some sort of shop mannequin tied to a wheelchair that actually makes the descent).

You will note, of course, that the child’s parents and immediate family are far too preoccupied with their annual recreation of the opening credits of Little House On The Prairie to offer any assistance and so it all falls to Mac, the Ponderous Cosmic Schlong to save the day...

I might point out to the mysterious film maker who would really like to be Mr Spielberg (but, alas, hates children) that if I am to believe that these two are going to become BFF’s then some swifter action on the part of Mac might have been nice here. After all, no matter how hard we try to pretend that this is a nice, accepting world, we all know that when you look different or sound weird then you have to work thrice as hard for acceptance. Let's go back and take another look at Mac shall we..?

Yeah, I'd be moving pretty quickly there Space Buddy!

And don't think for a moment that Wheelchair Kid has anything to prove here... I think the Swiftly Replacing Himself With A Shop Dummy To Perform A Simulated Death Dive just sealed him a reputation as one of the Cool Dudes at the swimming pond. The kind of sweet lovin' he'll be getting from all the Lakeside Lovelies means he can take you or leave you to be honest... Less thinking, more Space Wizardy if you want an 'in' with the kids Mac!

Just as a note of interest I will point out here that if my supposed Bestie From Space left me hanging like that I’d get myself to shore (somehow) and then use what little strength I had left in my arms to swing one of my lifeless legs up and square into Mac’s space nuts! Or, if I was feeling especially sassy, I may even use a detached limb from my freshly moistened Shop Dummy to perform the same action...

Still, we’ll give Mac & Me a solid F+ for puppetry, a shakey B for wheelchair stunt work and a questionable 'Ungraded' for decisive use of cosmic magic/child care whilst assuming that Mac is the intergalactic alter ego of the mysterious film maker and genuinely had to give the rescue issue some thought (what with hating kids and all).

Ahh, Mac… We’ve all learned something today.

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