Double Dekker

If this was one of those cool, indie movies that I see being promoted on the internet and so on, this post would end with Fred Dekker directing a scene from the franchise slaughtering threequel, 'Robocop 3'.

The camera would linger on his lined face as a moment of sadness flickered across his jaded brow... Sure, Robocop was a hoot. Hell, even the much maligned Robocop 2 was a great way to pass a rainy afternoon. But this... This generous slice of misguided ass is an affront to thirteen year old gorehounds everywhere. Where's the wit? Where's the invention? Where's the dad from 'That 70's Show'? Where are the BASTARD GOOD BITS?!

But hey... What the Robohell do thirteen year old kids know about mortgages? Because, as we thirty something gorehounds know all to well, those things don't pay themselves. So, the kids can go and Robofuck themselves and we'll just get on with earning our keep.

With a deep sigh and a swift glance at his repayment schedule, Dekker raises a viewfinder to his eye and calls out to that actor in the poorly constructed Robocostume (who isn't Peter Weller)... 'Thrill me!'

We, the audience, see Dekker's POV as the viewfinder rises... Except... What we see as the lens meets his jaded eye is not the low, low, low budget Atlanta sets of early nineties 'Robocop 3'... It seems to be the mid eighties and an entirely different movie is being made...

CUE FLASHBACK MUSIC!



BAM!

Meet young Fred Dekker on the set of outstanding genre bender 'Night Of The Creeps'!

Clutched eagerly in his young hands is a script he has written (allegedly in two weeks), one that fuses elements of 1950's B-Movie goodness with 1980's horror sensibilities. It's dumb, it's cheap, it has incredible 80's sweaters, it has boobs, it has exploding heads, it has brain controlling slugs from another world, it has zombies, it has the tagline 'The Good News Is Your Dates Are Here... The Bad News Is, They're Dead!'

Holy crap Dekker! This could be a masterpiece...

It's a self referential wink to the Sci-Fi and Horror genres that lets you know that it's in on the joke... It has enough good stuff to keep you in the story but plenty of narrative winks to camera to make you aware that you shouldn't be taking this too seriously (although naming ALL of your characters after famous horror directors might be taking things a little too far Mr Dekker). All this a clean decade before 'Scream' repeated the same joke (minus the Astro Zombies) and became a household name (although, naming ALL of your characters after famous horror directors might be taking things a little too far Mr Craven) and a clean twenty years before the film was (sort of) remade as 'Slither' with equally appalling box office results.

Of course, young Fred Dekker doesn't know that this film is going to tank at the box office yet... He's still busy putting together an hour and twenty minutes of gooey, delirious fun... Part 'Revenge Of The Nerds', part 'Night Of The Living Dead', part 'Invasion Of The Body Snatchers' but with added zombie Cats and undead Dogs. His love for movies is infectious and - even when the film misses it's mark or repeats a catch phrase once too often - you're going to get swept along for the ride.

There's no way of knowing why this one will fail to take off at the cinema. It will be released at a period of cinema history where insane genre hybrids are taking over... 'Big Trouble In Little China', 'Ghostbusters', 'Gremlins' and a host of other movies are all setting the tills ringing and tongues wagging with their fusing of modern effects and attitudes with affectionate and knowing nods to genres past.

Perhaps 'Night Of The Creeps' will just get lost in the stampede.

Perhaps it is a joke aimed exclusively at a generation who grew up watching the source material on VHS and DVD and new fangled Blu-Ray... A generation who don't actually exist when Dekker sees his film underpromoted and given short shrift by the studio that bank rolled it. A generation who will have to wait an age to finally see 'Night Of The Creeps' on those same formats when word of mouth and fan demand finally get it the release it deserves.

So, young Fred Dekker will just have to wait twenty five years for his film to find its audience... As it turns out, the delirious melting pot of ideas needs time to cook down and 'Night Of The Creeps' has to become part of the lexicon of films that it refers to before it can be fully appreciated. It has to become what it mimicked... A near forgotten B-Movie gem that gets promoted by word of mouth, best viewed with friends at a late hour, rum in hand and tongue in cheek.

Wow... Deep stuff!

Of course, young Fred Dekker has no idea of this as the Assistant Director appears beside him to let him know that the Zombie Dog puppet is ready for its close up. This Fred Dekker smiles a smile full of hope and raises his view finder to his eye...

CUE FLASHFORWARD MUSIC!

And we're back in the present (because for jaded Fred Dekker, 1989 is the present... Not the present that we know as 2010).

The Assistant Director of 'Robocop 3' has just finished telling him that the Robot Ninja puppet is ready for its close up and Fred has gone to inspect the set up, reluctantly dragging his forlorn mass towards the cheaply assembled latex disaster that passes for an effect in this Roboclusterfuck of a production, sighing the deep sigh of a film maker who has reached the lowest rung of his craft, his shoulders slumping limply on a set so bad that you can all but hear the porn being filmed next door.

Time to take another glance at that mortgage repayment schedule and, lest we forget, factor in those alimony bills.

And yet... As jaded Fred Dekker gazes upon this Robopuppetpieceofshit his face changes, becoming almost... Younger! Delighted! Enthused in a way that suggests he had been given money by a major studio to hire Stan Winston to 're-imagine' the classic Universal Monsters and was now being shown the work for the first time...

The light changes to become brighter, the Roboporn set fading to reveal something more thrilling and macabre... It seems to be the mid eighties and an entirely different movie is being made...

CUE FLASHBACK MUSIC!



BAM!

Meet middle Fred Dekker on the set of outstanding genre bender 'The Monster Squad'!

We learn two things instantly about middle Fred Dekker... Firstly, he LOVES genre cinema enough to risk putting a spin on it again a mere year after seeing his first effort fail and, secondly, he was more of an 'Explorers' guy than a 'Goonies' guy.

How do we know this?

'The Monster Squad' is one of those movies for kids that only seemed to get made in the eighties... It's a bit violent, has some swearing, some casual misogyny, some smoking and, perhaps most important of all, assumes that children aren't drooling retards with no awareness of either the cinematic world OR the real world. The middle Fred Dekker has seen the post 'E.T.' signs on the wall... He knows that kids fare is going to get a 'little' anodyne as the years progress, with each new studio offering becoming a self contained mission in merchandising that offers no window into imagination or the world around the viewer. Sure, the odd 'Monster House' will crop up but... The days of 'Explorers' and 'Flight Of The Navigator's are soon to be a distant memory, buried beneath the mooing mass of the annual Summer Cash Cow stampede.

Or something along those lines.

So, having done the gooey fifties B-Movie stuff, middle Fred Dekker decides to raid his beloved Universal Monster back catalogue, splice it with a 'Stand By Me' style coming-of-age yarn, toss in some implied nudity (this IS a kids film, after all, a glimpse of horrific mid eighties underwear will suffice) and see what flavours that crazy Gumbo throws up...

Holy crap Dekker! This could be a masterpiece... With nards!

It's a loving wink to the great monsters of cinema past that directly invites the youth of today (yesterday?) to embrace these icons and find them enthralling and perhaps even menacing again... It has enough good stuff to keep you in the story but plenty of narrative winks to camera to make you aware that you shouldn't be taking this too seriously (wait now, this is all sounding VERY familiar). Dracula, The Wolfman, The Mummy, The 'Swamp Creature' and Frankenstein's Monster are all present and correct, reinvented for a new generation of movie goer and treated with a respect and reverence that is sorely lacking from more recent attempts to revive their legends. Every rule is respected (it's Frankenstein's Monster people!), every characteristic put on screen, every creature given it's moment and then pitted against a group of children who respect (and love) these creatures rather than an Abbot and Costello-esque mockery of them.

Of course, middle Fred Dekker doesn't know that this film is going to tank at the box office yet... He's still busy putting together an hour and thirty minutes of monster loving, gloriously quotable fun... It is, in essence, the very embodiment of eighties family fare but with upped quotas of clashing families, outstanding prosthetics work and endless Virgin jokes. His love for the movies that gave us genre cinema is infectious and - even when the film misses it's mark or steps over the line from kids film into something a little too off colour - you're going to get swept along for the ride.

There's no way of knowing why this one will fail to take off at the cinema but the signs are there... It will be released at a period of cinema where cinema tastes are beginning to shift... 'A Nightmare On Elm Street', 'Friday The 13th' and a host of other movies are all out to reshape the landscape of teen horror with their fusing of modern effects and attitudes with a keen sense of morality buried beneath the tides of nubile teens being slaughtered.

Perhaps 'The Monster Squad' will just get overlooked for it's pleasing amorality and slavish devotion to horror icons of a period that suddenly looks extremely quaint to the newly jaded eyes of its intended audience.

Perhaps it is too knowing... Perhaps it will be the cruel lack of merchandising... This is, after all, a film aimed at a generation who have grown up post 'Star Wars', a generation who seem to require (by default) a series of action figures, lunch boxes and ZX Spectrum games in order to feel a film is worthy of their attention. 'The Monster Squad' has none of these when Dekker sees his film underpromoted and given short shrift by the studio that bank rolled it.

So, middle Fred Dekker will just have to wait twenty years for his film to find its audience... As it turns out, the delirious melting pot of ideas needs time for its intended audience to grow up a little, work their way backwards from his offering to the material it draws from and then revisit his tremendous movie before 'The Monster Squad' can truly be appreciated as the 'thinking mans Goonies'. There are still no toys, no games and no studio manipulated internet nostalgia... It stands alone as a forgotten B-Movie gem that gets promoted by word of mouth, best viewed with friends at a late hour, rum in hand and tongue in cheek.

Of course, middle Fred Dekker has no idea of this as the Assistant Director appears beside him to let him know that the producers have a problem with the line 'The Wolfman's got nards!'. This Fred Dekker smiles a smile full of wry humour and raises his view finder to his eye...

CUE FLASHFORWARD MUSIC!

But wait...

Is jaded Fred Dekker is still smiling fondly?

How..? How can he still be smiling when it has all come to this?!

Because he's known what was happening all along! He's known exactly how it would play out twenty five years later and we've fallen into the clutches of his masterplan!!!

Sure, this Robocesspit of a movie will pay the bills. It will also sit on the dusty shelves of the studio for three years before being unceremoniously released and then dumped onto the new, fangled DVD format and quickly forgotten. No one will care... No one will remember it for anything other than a slew of awful Super Nintendo games and poorly sculpted action figures. Meanwhile, 'Night Of The Creeps' and 'The Monster Squad' will begin to pick up interest... Slowly and inexorably, these movies will generate hushed conversation and demand for a DVD release will begin to swell...

Jaded Fred Dekker knew that one day, far into the future, the viewers who shunned him would find these films on a format that didn't even exist as yet and his love letters to genre cinema of the past would finally reach their audience. Would his films be responisble for this renewed interest in the monsters and nightmares of cinema past or just lucky passengers on the wave of nostalgia? Who knows... All that matters is that they're finally back where they belong; in the loving hands and on the mammoth television screens of film nerds everywhere.

Jaded Fred Dekker smiles and slowly turns to face the waiting crew of 'Robocop 3', two simple words from his mouth spurring them back into action:

'Thrill me!'

I Sell The Dead That Make The Whole World Sing...

So... After being stung for a hard earned £20 to watch the Dog Egg that was the Nightmare On Elm Street remake, I turned to the internet to find some Blu Ray bargains. In my neck of the woods, Blu Ray purchases can only be made at HMV or Blockbuster where bountiful discounted copies of 'Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel', 'The Hangover' and 'Gamer' flood the shelves, so nuggets of joy that didn't show at the local Odeon have to be bought online.

Shocking, I know.

Long gone are the days where a good root through the movie section of a high street store uncovered hidden gems (unless you consider ANOTHER spurious sequel to 'Bring It On' to be a hidden gem. Which I do. But that's another story for another time...).

Long story short, I was actually looking for 'The Host' on Blu Ray after a cracking review of the lovingly remastered Hi-Def Disc emerged on a blog I like to read during the arduous trip to work each day (The Basement Of Ghoulish Decadence). Any excuse to watch 'The Host' again is fine by me... But imagine my barely contained joy when nestled alongside it was 'I Sell The Dead' for a price SO reasonable that it would have been an insult to pass it by.

Thank you Tesco Direct... I haven't loved you this much since you stopped using Jane Horrocks in your advertising.

Now, 'I Sell The Dead' is a movie that you hear a lot about... Provided you read a lot of horror movie blogs or have interesting friends (or uninteresting friends who happen to read a lot of horror blogs... I don't judge). It is, however, a film that far too many people do not know about. As in, they will stare blankly when you mention that you watched it and then counter with the amazing anecdote of the time they watched 'The Final Destination'... In 3D... And nearly crapped themselves. Awkward smiles abound and then you all move on to another topic of conversation (although, I do own 'The Final Destination', but that is simply because I own the other films in the series and I'm an anal retentive like that... It's the whole 'Bring It On' thing all over again, minus Solange Knowles).

Much like the curiously maligned remake of 'The Wolfman', this is a film that loves the golden age of Hammer Horror (and has seen 'Dead & Breakfast'...). However, it is also a film that has read some nifty comic books and seen some quality television. It knows roughly where it's headed and has no intention of helping anyone along the path it has chosen to take. In short, if you are a cinematic Shelly Winters, this Gene Hackman isn't going to help your lardy movie ass to the bow of The Poseidon. It is a basic skeleton of a plot (grave robbers realise that people will pay more for more the living dead that the stone cold dead and high jinks ensue) that serves to pepper the screen with visual oddities and scattershot ideas that somehow don't feel too smug or disjointed or reference any of the 'must refer to' movies of recent times.

It also manages to remind you that anyone who isn't Tim Burton can make a half decent Tim Burton film these days... Yeah, that's right... Fuck 'Alice In Wonderland'! Lookit Tim, I saw 'Return To Oz' when it came out at the cinema and, even though Faruza Balk gives me the screaming fear (SO... MUCH... GUM!) it was STILL a much better version of your crappy offering! Make another Ed Wood or piss off.

Right... Where was I?

Oh, okay... It's a goofy sort of film that will grate on your nerves for about five to ten minutes as it sets up it's tone and characters (badly) before suddenly sucking you into it's, frankly, bonkers mish-mash of ideas and nicely ballanced CGI/Practical Effect visuals that whisk it along through its brief running time. Had it been cast with Johnny Depp and (Insert Prett Boy Flavour De Jour Here) then it would have been a fair hit at the cinema and have a nice poster quote from Elle and Heat magazines giving it four stars. It doesn't... And is all the better for it.

There's not too much to say about 'I Sell The Dead' that won't sort of dilute the WTF? pleasure of seeing it on a rainy afternoon. It's like having a ten year old tell you a joke that actually makes you laugh... You start off being polite to respect the effort being made to entertain you but, somewhere along the line, you end up being genuinely entertained... Plus which, it will cost you a charming smile and a pebble to pick up a copy on either DVD or Blu Ray (I can't imagine there being a huge difference in picture quality).

Pick it up, watch it, enjoy it, wonder why it never got the cinema release it deserved... Then brace yourself for a LOT of conversations about 'The Final Destination'.

The Bastard Son Of 200 Maniacs!

Lookit... I'm not one to get all weepy and sentimental about the current wave of remakes doing the rounds. Remember when Peter Jackson was fat? Yeah, well they let Fat Jackson remake 'King Kong' (badly) so clearly nothing is sacred (but Fat Jackson is a film that I would so watch... Or maybe even write). Any film you hold dear is liable to come around on the 'Hollywood Remake Awesome-O'. It's only a matter of time before 'Jaws' or 'Short Circuit' or 'Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go To College' gets the CGI do over... Best to just get over it and treasure the memory of the original.

Think of it as being a Grandparent. You might love your kid dearly but hate your grandchild for being a lame, watered down version of the original... Could happen. If it does, just ignore them. You can still visit your kid, just do it when the grandchild is at school or swimming or whatever and pretend it doesn't exist.

Voila! Remake problem solved.

Which brings me to Nightmare On Elm Street.

Firstly, I've never been the biggest fan of the original series.

I know right... SAY WHAT?!

I dig 'em, don't get me wrong... I just don't think they're the most amazing thing to ever grace the face of the Earth. I like the premise, I like the character of Freddy Krueger and I think the work of the effects and prosthetics artists involved are tip top. But... Somehow the films never hung together in a way that left me satisfied in way that, say, 'Let The Right One In' or 'Martyrs' did... Hell, even 'C.H.U.D.' packed more bang for my VHS renting buck in 1984 (when you could rent anything you liked as a ten year old).

However, Nightmmare's 1 through 6 AND New Nightmare all sit dutifully on my DVD shelf and I love them as steadfast rainy day views and fine examples of a franchise gone mad... A nasty, sordid premise slowly evolving into some kind of Cirque De Soleil for the children of nice middle class folk who were too young to realise that they were the children of nice middle class folk who really just wanted to go and see Cirque De Soleil.

What is nice about the Nightmare series (as opposed to say, the Leprechaun series) is that a decent sized mythology and back story begins to develop around the character of Freddy. Sure, it also means pissing hell hounds and sub Argonauts stop motion skeletons but, amidst the Nancy this and Tina that, a character is evolved that becomes more than the sum total of his cinematic parts. Plus which, he has yet to go into space... So there's life in the old dog yet!

And there, dear reader, lies the problem for anyone contemplating a remake.

You see... We know.

We know what he is, what he did, what he wants to do, how he does it, how he got this way and how he'll end up being beaten.

We know.

So what do you do?

You can't make a film called 'Nightmare On Elm Street' and not have it be about Freddy (just ask the makers of Halloween III: Season Of The Witch... That shit does NOT fly!). You can't just start all over and change everything. You have to be faithful to the original but somehow find a way to fleece folks of their dollars with the promise of something new...

So what do you do?

You change the actor! The result? Didn't hate him. Robert Englund will always be Freddy in the same way that Connery will always be Bond. But you can't go on forever...
You change the makeup! The result? I liked it. It was pretty gross... Like finding a slug in your shoe or a dog skid on your bed. Not horrific exactly but enough to start your day off wrong. The original makeup is too much to do with Englund's physical face anyway... It would be a reminder of times past to try and mimic that.
You change the story! The result? Yeah, sure... If by changed you mean diluted it down and tried to pull a needless 'Here's your final girl but WAIT now she's dead and this OTHER girl is your final girl!' and then slapped on a Scooby Doo-esque jaunt to an old haunted house ending that smacks of screenwriters who've seen too many B-Grade J-Horror DVD's and not enough 80's Horror VHS madness.

Look, unless you're going to change the names of the characters then this attempt to wrong foot the audience isn't going to work. Nancy is one of THE most famous final girls in slasher history... Tina is the one that gets flung around the room and sliced. WE ALL KNOW BECAUSE WE'VE SEEN THE ORIGINAL! Plus which, the lead character switcheroo works a lot better if you pull it early on (as in the 1988 remake of 'The Blob') because it allows you time to actually develop your real lead enough that the audience, you know, gives a shit. Thirty minutes into an hour and a half long film is, as this movie demonstrates, nowhere near enough.

Also, why is Nancy now Laney Boggs from 'She's All That'? Bit of an aside, I know, but I found it really distracting as I was half expecting the shoehorned in Jump Rope Girls to start singing Sixpence Non The Richer songs... Well, the one Sixpence Non The Richer song that anyone knows anyway. Which makes sense because it's the one from 'She's All That'.

So, having seen the original, we've also seen ALL OF THE GOOD BITS FROM THIS ONE! Do something fresh with it if you're going to do it at all... Even Fat Jackson threw in some new sequences and ideas into his King Kong... They may have been shit but at least the man tried for the love of God! Actually, there were a couple of interesting morsels thrown in... The notion that Freddy was innocent was a good curve ball. Hell, if I'd been burned alive for something I didn't do then I'd very likely come back as a dream demon and smash shit up too. I hope to die peacefully having lived a good, honest life and I STILL want to come back and smash shit up, so that's a new take on the character that would have worked for me. Actually, that's about the only new thing I liked (apart from the very snazzy lenticular cover of the Blu Ray... But I'm easy to please like that). The good bits were rehashed from the 1984 original and the 'new' ideas involved lots of swearing, some CGI blood splatter, lots of randomly googled facts about sleep deprivation that allowed the writers to have Freddy pop up when people were essentially awake and an ending that took everyone away from Elm Street to have a show down in a basement somewhere else... But that doesn't matter as it was clearly the BASEMENT OF A MADMAN! You could tell because it had a workbench and lots of drawings taped to the wall. They were black and white and Tim Burtony and clearly the DRAWINGS OF A MADMAN!

And the greatest crime of all? No John Saxon!

I don't really know what else to say...

It was a mess that took the very simple idea of the first Nightmare and mixed in a little too much of the mythology from the subsequent films and some half baked, not very clever story ideas that belonged in someone's shot on DV movie that they made after having seen too many Christopher Nolan films. It wasn't a decent remake or a smart reinvention of a cinema icon... It was a run of the mill horror film trading on the Krueger name, the cinematic Gwyneth Paltrow to Craven's orginal Blythe Danner. It is, in short, a film that could have done with one clear idea at the helm and a few less maniacs for fathers.

Suffice to say, if I were Wes Craven and this was my grandchild, I'd certainly phone ahead to make sure it was at Summer Camp before taking a break from writing 'Fat Jackson' to go and visit my son.

The Return Of Puttiki

The cool kids out there will, of course, remember the first Puttiki... If not, check the link to feast those eager peepers and ask yourself if you've really made the right choices in life.

Well, lookit... Even though you might be distracting him from Ice Spiders on cable, your old pal LFT is not one to deny people a second chance at life. So brace yourselves, because here comes THE RETURN OF PUTTIKI!



Look at that poster.

Look at it again!

The allure of Mini Golf? The promise of cocktails?! DJ's?!!

Now look at that line up of artists...

Atomic Tony Tiki, D.D. Mae, Tiki Racer, Trader Tark, Mummy's Little Monster, Clumsy AND MORE?!

MORE?!

This is going to be a gathering of some of the FINEST low brow and tiki art in the known universe... And that is, in no way, an overstatement.

Keep an eye an it here but expect to be making your way down to Hunny Lu Lu's in Hastings for the Bank Holiday weekend at the end of August.

Break out the Wii and start warming up that putting arm people... Once you've bought some art from one of the AMAZING artists mentioned above, you'll be wanting to compete for a place on the hallowed Puttiki wall of fame!

Now, back to Ice Spiders...

Three Good Reasons Why Robert Wise Pumps My Nads!

We all know how much I loves me a dose of Billy Wilder... Who doesn't?!

But, lest we forget, there was another fine fellow splattering a whole bunch of AWESOME across cinema screens and creating great, great movies that satisfy the three basic cinema goers that live inside me:

Number 1: The Sci Fi Nerd



Number 2: The Horror Nerd



Number 3: The Hopeless Romantic/Nascent Homosexual



Ladies and Gentleman... All stand for Mr Robert Wise!

It's Nothing Like Jaws...

If, like me, you’ve been wondering what exactly to do with that unconvincing but lovingly crafted Great White Shark puppet you decided to make in your parents basement for no particular reason, then let me point you in the direction of this industrious effort made by some fine people who assure me that they’ve never even heard of a film called Jaws. However, in some parts of the world (really stupid parts... Hoxton, for example) this epic movie IS often named 'Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws' which leads me to suspect that there is some monkey business afoot with their claims of blockbusting shark movie ignorance. Besides, if you want to fool anyone into mistaking this for the fifth installment of the Jaws franchise then call it 'JAW5'. Surely, this alpha-numeric punning would be the only reason to return to the dry, dry barrel of the once mighty shark franchise.

Look at it again...

JAW5

Tempting, isn't it..? Can you really tell me with a straight face that this title doesn't make you want to bankroll a CGI heavy shark movie, loosely based on the first Jaws and filmed (very possibly) in 3D? The new, fangled kind that works in the cinema but not at home? Then you can tell everyone it's a 'reboot' rather than a straight sequel or (God forbid) a remake.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Anyway, let's take a look at what can be done with a basement made Great White Shark puppet and some 'original' story ideas...

Young girl swimming at night gets viciously attacked by what later turns out to be a shark… No one listens to warnings... Mayor won’t cancel forthcoming regatta… Shark rampages… Little girl in WHEELCHAIR ends up in water (THE HUMANITY!)… Ill prepared group of folk go out to kill the beast on a worryingly small boat...

Yeah... Check, check and, indeed, check.

You say: ‘So far, so RIP OFF!’

I say: ‘So far, so AWESOME!’ It could only really be any better if they’d claimed to have made this in 1995 but shot it entirely to resemble the early 80’s (genius) and then cast someone who randomly looks like Hulk Hogan to fight the aquatic demon. Only then would this become the greatest film eve… WAIT A MINUTE!

I love this film… It is truely an excellent example of to do with previously unwanted Great White Shark hand puppets and, even though I’ve never actually seen it, I feel like I’ve enjoyed it a hundred times already (or however many times I've actually seen Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3D and Jaws The Revenge).

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Cruel Jaws!

It’s nothing like Jaws.

Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson... Again.

Oh Tiffany... You really just can't let this age old rivalry go, can you?

Debbie Gibson scores a hit in the Eighties... So do you.

Debbie Gibson melts the hearts of the Mall dwelling American Public... So do you.

Debbie Gibson does Playboy... So do you.

Debbie Gibson fights huge aquatic sea beasts... So do you.

Debbie Gibson's Mega Shark takes down a plane... Your Mega Piranha takes down a helicopter.

AND a city.

Look...

Holy Shit Tiffany... A city!

A CITY!

Don't you think this has all gone just a little bit too far now?! Can't we just call each other sluts and so on without involving the giants of the deep and some innocent bystanders?

I hope not... Because as long as this rivalry produces CINEMATIC GOLD like Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and Mega Piranha then I have reason to live.

Your move Gibson, your move...